Well, you know you are in the south when people stop in the middle of a professional, networking meeting and bless their bagels.

So I go to this meeting where I don’t know anyone but the person who set up the meeting. The first person I meet introduces herself to me and begins talking about her business. She promptly stops when her bagel arrives and makes the sign of the cross over it, blesses it, and says something silently to herself (but her lips were still moving).

I think to myself, “Okay, that’s cool - whatever makes the food taste better” and move on. I worked for two hardcore “Christian” companies in the past - both automation distributors - and one went so far as to hire a corporate CHAPLAIN to counsel us in times of spiritual need. I used to pretend to be on the phone whenever the chaplain came by to see me. Anyway, the company before them used to put pro-life flyers in our paystub envelopes. For all you pro-lifers out there: I’d feel the same way if they put pro-choice flyers in my paystub. I don’t want that kind of stuff in my business life. Period. One of the first interviews I had with one of the above companies made me aware of how seriously these people take their christianity . . . the man I was eating with stopped me in mid-bite, at a Shoney’s, of all places, to tell me that I needed to pray with him. I blessed my seafood buffet and got on with it: “Dear God, thank you for this bountiful feast of fried fish parts. I especially thank you for the giant piece of chocolate cream pie that is sitting to the left of me. Please keep me safe from food-poisoning and overeating. Thank you.”

The reason I put the word “christian” in quotes is that in both cases, the men running those companies, those supposedly godly men - were about the biggest pigs I’ve ever met in my life. One was a porn addict and looked at it all day on the internet, while at work (to make it worse: he liked kiddie porn, and had 3 young daughters - GROSS!) - the other was a liar and vindicitive as all get-out, and a womanizer to boot. So I am immediately suspicious, based on my experiences, when people go out of their way to tell me they are a christian.

I digress. She eats her bagel, talks some more about her company, and then says, and I quote, “I’m a christian. And it’s very important for me to work with other christians and people who share the same values and morals as I do.” This meeting was a highly intense, professional meeting - and this comment she made was completely out of the blue. I had no idea what to say. “A-hem, well, I’m a marketing consultant for small business, and I’m also a Wiccan? Does it pose a problem that I am celebrating the autumnal solstice by dancing naked around a bonfire?” (No offense to Wiccans - I know I’m poking fun at them too). I just get so tired of the religious undertones, but that’s part of living in the South. I think up north, people can be just as religious, but they know better than to start preaching during the middle of a business luncheon. Good god, I wanted to just be evil and tell her “I’m a lesbian! I worship the devil! And I’m of the Jewish persuasion as well! Is that a problem for you?” Of course, I’m none of the above, but it sure would have been fun watching her face.

Needless to say, I kept quiet and said a prayer to God to get me out of this meeting as fast as possible. And guess what? I get to see her again on Friday. Lord help me.