My absences both from the blog and from a variety of friendships has gotten to the inexcusable point. I know I’m going to lose some friends over my inability to communicate; it upsets me but from a distance, like I can’t feel those emotions clearly. I know they are there, but they are inaccessible.
A friend asked me to go out for a glass of wine after Write Club last night - I simply couldn’t go. I forced myself - literally forced myself - to go to Write Club. The gods were on my side because only 3 people showed and they are all close friends of mine, so writing was not really discussed but plenty of other things were. Even that small amount of time exhausted me. I’ve been really bad since last week. Talking is an effort, explaining my situation(s) makes calculus seem easy to me. Everything is hard, especially concentrating on work. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely focused on getting some billable clients right now and actually have a couple of virtual assignments at the moment.
I’m in some sort of hibernatory (made up word? don’t know) phase right now. I’m going on 8 months of personal turmoil, at times exhilarating, at times hellish, at times nearly bearable. I’m flat out exhausted. My brain feels like it’s mired in sludge, and I constantly feel like I need a nap. If Nikki wasn’t around to help out with keeping the house clean, the 5,000 pounds of laundry my family generates, and braiding Arden’s hair every morning (her new obsession), I do not know how I would be functioning. Things that used to come naturally for me - empathy, sympathy, understanding, the desire to be there for others - have flown out the window. I’ve felt drained in the past, but it’s nothing compared to this level of emptiness.
I can relate to things my mother told me about her life after her first husband left her. My situation is totally different of course, but I still feel a bit like she says she did - like a RoboMom. I go through the motions and occasionally I can break through and access my normal emotions toward my children. Most of the time I am closed down, but able to cuddle them and feed them and do the things that need to be done. I guess the major difference is that I don’t enjoy much of anything right now. If someone else was talking to me about this, I’d calmly explain the symptoms of depression and emotional exhaustion and suggest therapy or medication. I’m doing both, and working harder on my baggage than I’ve ever before. I know that there is a light somewhere and I’m heading in the right direction. I know that I have to trudge through this. I know there are no shortcuts for grief or loss or mourning or recovering. I must keep on going, because I’m convinced there is a better me on the other side.
The buds are starting to appear and tomorrow it’s supposed to hit 71 degrees. I’ve been running outside in the sun whenever I can because even though I resent those cheerful birds and drooling dogs crossing my path (stupid happiness! How dare you!), the sun does improve my mood. It helps mitigate the irritation and frustrations that are common in this ‘phase’ of the divorce process. I know I am irritating the hell out of Mike; he is doing the same to me. We are both extremely careful not to involve the children or forget their needs come first, and I’m proud of both of us in that respect. No divorce, no matter how amicable, is easy. We still have things to nail down, documents to sign, houses to sell.
Spending yesterday on the phone with both of our mortgage companies was not fun for me in the slightest. Few things make me cry anymore, but there are two guaranteed to turn on the waterworks. The first is my children, if they express that they are suffering in the slightest. The second is the house situation. I cannot express the utter sadness and anger I know we both feel that we worked so hard on this stupid house and we are going to be ruined from it, at least for a little while. I take solace in the fact that so many others are in the same boat, and I feel badly for all of us as a whole. We made a bad decision (though Mike probably feels it is me that made the bad decision, forcing him into this house), and a bunch of factors went along with the decision. Economy, my business, our marriage. The situation is bleak no matter how you slice it. The house will go on the market next week - and once the sign is up, the neighbors will start their gossip fest. That part helps me be glad I will be moving, even if it means single-handedly lowering the property values on the street by having to do a short sale in the best case and deed in lieu of foreclosure in the worst.
A friend asked me yesterday, “How’s it going?” I answered, “It’s going.” She responded, “Where is it going?” Good question. The only answer I have is “forward”. Let’s hope that forward is the right direction.
