I know most of you have had experiences with online support chats - usually with someone who speaks English as a second language, or has the personality of a very basic robot.  Amanda is a friend of mine, and she forwarded me a transcript of her significant other’s chat with Dell online support.  I was laughing so hard I nearly fell out of my chair, and was gasping for breath at the end of it.  If only I had the cajones to say some of the things Travis says . . . but alas, I do not, and have to live vicariously through his wit and cunning.  I received permission to share this with the world wide web (all 5 of you that read my blog).  Identifying details have been removed to protect the innocent.  (*note: Travis is actually quite the uber-computer-geek and probably knows way more than the poor innocent Rejin at Dell Chat Support.  He also works for some big computer company, which would explain Travis’s helpful comment about buying from his company to speed up their service.) 

This is an automated email sent from Dell Chat. The following information is a log of your session. Please save the log for your records.
*Your session ID for this incident is 17297853.*
Time Details
02/13/2008 04:13:17PM Session Started with Agent (Rejin_165155)
02/13/2008 04:13:24PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Thank you for contacting Dell XPS Premium Support. My name is Rejin and my rep ID number is 165155. How may I help you today?”
02/13/2008 04:13:56PM Travis: “I have a XPS 1330 that recently stopped displaying video from the integrated LCD panel”
02/13/2008 04:14:22PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “I sincerely apologize for the inconvenience, Travis.”
02/13/2008 04:14:35PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “I’ll be glad to assist you. Please allow me 2 to 3 minutes to pull up your account information.  In the meantime, may I have the phone number(s) to reach you to update
our records?”
02/13/2008 04:14:56PM Travis: “xxx.xxx.xxxx”
02/13/2008 04:15:27PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Thank You for the information.”
02/13/2008 04:15:33PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “When did this issue begin?”
02/13/2008 04:16:17PM Travis: “It started happening sporadically about 2 weeks ago, now it’s consistant, has been for three days.”
02/13/2008 04:16:38PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Are we chatting on the same system?”
02/13/2008 04:16:54PM Travis: “No…I don’t get video from that system.”
02/13/2008 04:17:19PM Travis: “I, for some reason, haven’t memorized the system well enough to operate it blind.”
02/13/2008 04:17:35PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Did you try connecting an external monitor to the system?”
02/13/2008 04:17:51PM Travis: “With no success.”
02/13/2008 04:18:21PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Did you run the PSA test on the LCD screen?”
02/13/2008 04:18:40PM Travis: “Nope.”
02/13/2008 04:18:43PM Travis: “Never heard of it.”
02/13/2008 04:19:23PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “The PSA test is the Pre-boot Self Assessment test.”
02/13/2008 04:19:43PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “It is used to test the hardware for all the Dell laptops.”
02/13/2008 04:19:55PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Is the laptop near you?”
02/13/2008 04:20:08PM Travis: “Not at the moment. I had to leave it at home this morning.”
02/13/2008 04:20:15PM Travis: “How do I launch the test?”
02/13/2008 04:20:18PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Okay.”
02/13/2008 04:21:00PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “We need to turn the system ON and hit F12 on the Dell logo.”
02/13/2008 04:21:28PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “We will reach the one time boot menu screen, there select Diagnostics and the PSA test will begin.”
02/13/2008 04:21:42PM Travis: “I guess I can just mash the F12 button after turning it on..but I won’t be able to see any output from the test, much less the Dell logo.”
02/13/2008 04:22:14PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “If you are able to see the Dell logo, then you will be able to see the test.”
02/13/2008 04:22:21PM Travis: “....”
02/13/2008 04:22:39PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “However, tell me did this issue begin after the system falling down or anything like that?”
02/13/2008 04:22:47PM Travis: “I’m not able to see the Dell logo, as it is supplied by the video output..which I don’t have.”
02/13/2008 04:23:10PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Did you check the safe mode?”
02/13/2008 04:23:21PM Travis: “I didn’t drop it.”
02/13/2008 04:23:30PM Travis: “I can’t see safe mode.”
02/13/2008 04:23:36PM Travis: “I can’t see anything.”
02/13/2008 04:23:44PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Okay.”
02/13/2008 04:25:20PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Did you install any video card?”
02/13/2008 04:25:30PM Travis: “Nope.”
02/13/2008 04:25:48PM Travis: “Just to help you out, I didn’t uninstall the video card either.”
02/13/2008 04:25:58PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Okay.”
02/13/2008 04:26:42PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Please allow me 2-3 minutes to pull up my resources.”
02/13/2008 04:27:00PM Travis: “Follow your heart Rejin.”
02/13/2008 04:28:34PM Travis: “And if it takes 2-3 minutes to load your support assests you may want to consider updating your system.  I work for a HPC company, we could probably help you out with that.”
02/13/2008 04:29:05PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Thank you for the time and concern, Travis.”
02/13/2008 04:29:33PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “The integrated Intel video card of the system might have gone bad.”
02/13/2008 04:29:44PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “We would need to check it with the PSA test.”
02/13/2008 04:30:11PM Travis: “It may have, but I’m using the NVIDIA 8400GS modules.”
02/13/2008 04:30:14PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “This test can be initiated by pressing and holding the Fn key and then pressing the power key.”
02/13/2008 04:30:16PM Travis: “module*”
02/13/2008 04:30:54PM Travis: “A’right”
02/13/2008 04:31:31PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “The test will ask you questions about the display, you need to answer them.”
02/13/2008 04:31:58PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Travis, when you turn the system ON, does all the lights on the laptop turn ON?”
02/13/2008 04:32:04PM Travis: “I’ll do that and…I guess look at the blank screen and just assume my proplem is being fixed through the magic of transistors and gigglehertz.”
02/13/2008 04:32:24PM Travis: “Thanks Rejin, you’ve been a real sweetheart.”
02/13/2008 04:33:01PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “My pleasure Travis, tell me about the LEDS on the laptop please.”
02/13/2008 04:33:11PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Does the lights glow?”
02/13/2008 04:33:42PM Travis: “Yes, they do illuminate. Like Christmas.”
02/13/2008 04:33:52PM Travis: “It’s a beautiful thing Rejin.”
02/13/2008 04:34:27PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Yes, it surely is.”
02/13/2008 04:34:49PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Do you want me to give you a call back tomorrow at the same time to check on the issue?”
02/13/2008 04:35:22PM Travis: “I’ll just call in later when I have the machine in front of me. I wouldn’t want to take up anymore of your time.”
02/13/2008 04:35:52PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “That will be good, Travis.”
02/13/2008 04:36:13PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Before I provide you the case number, is there anything else that I may help you with your computer?”
02/13/2008 04:36:21PM Travis: “That’ll do it.”
02/13/2008 04:37:03PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Are you satisfied with the information provided to you today?”
02/13/2008 04:37:16PM Travis: “Oh, VERY much.”
02/13/2008 04:38:03PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Also, please use the link which I’m sending you to help you start the PSA and get the results.”
02/13/2008 04:38:14PM Agent (Rejin_165155) sends page
02/13/2008 04:38:29PM Travis: “k”
02/13/2008 04:38:38PM Travis: “Seeya Rej. xoxoxo”
02/13/2008 04:38:49PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Bye, Travis.”
02/13/2008 04:38:54PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Good Night.”
02/13/2008 04:39:09PM Session Ended