I realized today, in the middle of a blinding headache, that I’ve been withdrawing gradually from my friends - both real and online. It was a day of epiphanies for me, which means I should get a headache more often.
The morning started out with Lily complaining about her stomach. She’s a big hypochondriac, so I generally ignore it so as not to feed into it. However, she actually did have diarrhea today. She had a few rounds before we left the house this morning, but I figured it was out of her system. I was wrong! While I was sweating and grunting during my On The Ball class, she had a little accident and was mortified. She was especially mortified when Arden announced, at the top of her lungs and in front of about 15 kids, “Lily pooped in her pants, Mommy!” I thought Lily was going to deck her right then and there. Yes, this is how important to my life the Y has become - I take my squirting 5 year old to child care there so I can work out. I felt really bad on the way home. Ooops.
We got home and we all settled down to watch a movie together. It was pouring rain out and no one seemed to want to do anything, so I figured some tv wouldn’t hurt us. Unfortunately, Arden ended up slugging Lily over not having enough room on the couch, I began to yell, and the television was turned off. Arden had one of her epic fits - this one lasted 52 minutes. I know because I timed it. That was even with me checking in on her and trying to calm her down halfway through it. At one point, I started to cry but at least had the sene to go into the bathroom and get it together. Lily put her hands over her ears and sung to herself. She already has her own ways of dealing with Arden, and I must say, they are healthier than mine.
So I was reflecting, during naptime, on what was so different about working. I had lots of really bad days at work - why was that easier for me to handle? Then it dawned on me. When I worked full-time, I knew I was good at my job. I sometimes even felt smart, and I got a lot of good energy from being able to help other people succeed in their careers. I’ve been doing marketing, in one form or another, since I was 20. If I hadn’t been good at it, I probably would have stopped long ago. The reason my bad days at work were bearable, whereas my bad days a home are not, is because when I worked, I knew that I could rock the marketing world.
Here at home, I don’t seem to be rocking much of anything, other than myself, in fetal position, on the floor. This job I’ve got now is really freaking hard. I approached being Lily and Arden’s full time mommy like I would a project at work. I scheduled, I arranged, I planned, I executed. However, Arden isn’t in a place right now to be “arranged”. My strictly planned days have fallen apart at the seams since I got back from Vegas. Why? Because I am becoming more and more afraid to leave the house. Arden’s temperment, her embarassing behavior in public, has put a serious damper on what I’m willing to do with both of them. With one child, you can manage. The two of them, though . . . .different story. Yesterday I went to Ashland Berry Farm to figure out why all the fish in my pond had died, and the two of them were like wild animals, running around the pond displays, falling INTO a pond (Arden, thanks), grabbing tadpoles, being kids. I realized that I had become “that” mother - the one with the out of control kids, the one who interrupts the salesperson to scream “GET DOWN FROM THERE JOEY!!! We don’t SWING from the RAFTERS!”
I’m doing a lot of reading on rages and tantrums. I bought John Rosenmond’s New Parent Power - and it reinforced to me that at some level, I am doing things right. He had an interesting suggestion for kids that scream (Arden has probably hastened my hearing loss by at least 10 years). He had a “Scream Room” for his daughter, and every time she went nuts, he put her in the half bath and let her scream it out. That at least is better than listening to it bounce off the hardwoods and high ceilings. I know what I shouldn’t be doing: yelling, spanking, pulling my own hair out. So I just wake up every morning and breathe deeply and hope that Arden will crack this phase soon.
It also pains me to write this. I don’t want to hear anyone talk about my “difficult” child. I want things to be easy and calm and sweet, but right now, they aren’t, and I am not about to start lying on my blog about motherhood. Why start now? Talking to my sister has helped a bit - she has had plenty of good advice for me and I have a new understanding of some of the things she went through with her own son. A couple of days ago, someone mentioned to me that another parent I know saw Arden crying, and said, about Arden, “That child is always having some issue or another. What is it this time?” It cut me to the quick. This same child can be the funniest, kindest, most endearing child. To have another parent (and one that knows me, and my family, fairly well) say that about her made me want to crawl into a hole. Other than my sister, I have really pulled away from everyone, including Mike, probably. I don’t like to greet him every night with, “It was a rough day.” I don’t want to lie to my husband, either. I just want to be good at this mothering thing, dammit!
So that is the first part. I have distanced myself from people right now because I don’t have a lot of nice things to say, and I don’t want to be negative or down. So I don’t blog as much, and I’m consumed with figuring Arden out while making sure Lily gets enough attention. I have also gotten used to being lonely, which is not a good thing for me. I am a highly social person. I have suspended, for now, any hopes of finding other moms to hang out with. I just can’t deal with making new friends right now. Between the mothering thing, learning how to work the online businesses without killing myself has been another challenege entirely, and something I’ll explore in a different post. There isn’t much left at the end of the day for anyone.
The second part is that after I returned from Vegas, talking to my online friends became increasingly difficult. I was so bummed out about none of them living here. I got spoiled with the immediacy of conversation - being in person, being able to read body language, or just sit quietly near one another. After Vegas, keeping those friendships up felt so entirely difficult. I didn’t want to just talk to Amanda on the phone - I wanted to have lunch with her, or go to the pool with Ava and my girls. I didn’t want to send Jess a stupid card when she had surgery - I wanted to take care of her boys for her. This went on and on. I used to pick up the phone a lot and call - I don’t now as much. Jess was going to come out this summer but for a variety of reasons she can’t, and it made me really sad. I’m still planning on visiting Alicia in June, but I have to get off my butt and make the reservations and get my head around travelling all the way by myself with two girls, one of whom I can barely control at home. I’m not even going to apologize for how much I miss my online friends, and in some ways, it would have almost been easier had we not met. Or, met, and realized that we all hated each other in real life. Unfortunately, we got along fabulously. These are people that, if they lived near me, would become like family to me. In the meantime, I have to make due with phone conversations and IM.
That is where I’ve been lately. I know I have neglected my friends, and I’m sorry. There has been a lot of change for me over the past 6 months, and it’s finally hitting me. I am writing all this down in an effort to force myself to stop isolating, and reach out more - get out more.
Cristina, this was raw and heartfelt (and also really clever, you are an awesome writer). I’m sad that you have felt kind of lost in your situation, and I wish I could help. And by no means do any of us feel like Arden is a difficult child, mostly because each of us have someone almost identical in behavior. I can’t believe that woman said that, and to a friend no less.
I hope your last few weeks have marked a turning point and that you may start to find a balance with things. Mostly because I want to be on your list of friends you miss. I was just telling Manda the other day that I wish you and I could be closer, but that’s not something that can be rushed of course. My point is, it really sucks to have to switch from being valued and awesome at your job to coming home where your work will not start to show for another 15-20 years, so it’s understandable if you have to be introverted for a bit. I hope things can look up soon.
Word. But I have another theory for you. I was good at my job, too, and I fucking rocked it the day we launched a drug and I was the one who made the document happen. But when I screwed up, it was because, I dunno, I was working too fast, I was lazy, tired, having a bad day, whatever. When I’m bad with my kid, it’s because I wasn’t meant to do this, and I never should have had him, and I should just stick him in daycare and go back to work, or even better yet, I should give him up for adoption. Apples and oranges, baby. You may have been good at your job, but your job didn’t curl up to you and call you Mommy. So it’s going to hurt more, right? And it’s going to hurt bad.
I know what you mean about feeling isolated. I am right there with you. And this may be rationalizing self-defeating BS, but some days I feel like it’s all right if I lay low. At the very least, if I didn’t do that, some days I would have no marks in my Win column.
Wow, Cristina, I sensed something but had no idea. I can totally understand your feelings of wanting to avoid people. Big changes such as what you’ve been through this past year is bound to take it’s toll on you. I’m proud of you for writing this and reaching out and taking care of yourself. We’re here, we care and yeah, wish we could go to lunch. XO
Homey ~ I am so sorry you are having a rough time. If it makes you feel any better, I miss you terribly as well. I know that I am bad at talking on the phone and though I don’t reach out to you all via cell very often, I DO, in fact, think of you all the time! I felt a real connection with you in Vegas….to be totally honest, more than I thought I would. I find you witty, incredibly funny, intimidatingly intelligent, fun-spirited and driven. Everything I wish I was, and more… We are ALL the mom who yells “Get the hell offa that damn coffee table!” at some time or another. Perhaps not in that language, but we do it. I’m often embarassed that I’M “that mom” when 2 short years ago, I was an incredibly successful business woman. But you know what? Although it’s a tougher gig on most days, the payoff is incredible. In the meantime, I kinda figure, if it means a few years in relative “isolation” for me…well, so be it. But then again, as with everything else, you are probably more fabulously social than I am, too…so it’s probably harder for you.
At any rate, at this time I’ll stop rambling and just tell you that I love you, girl. I really do. This short friendship of ours has produced a meaningful one for me, and I wish only the best for you. I notice when you are gone, and I miss you when you are….but I support you in all that you need to do, and I wish I could be there on your porch with you…chatting, watching the kids play, and just being with you. SInce I can’t…know that I wish I could.
Oh Homey! I knew something wasn’t right. I’m so sorry that you are struggling and I wish like hell that I could come to see you, more now than ever! I want to give you a big hug, I know you need it! You are one on my best friends, I hate that you are hurting so much, all this means is that I am going to be pestering you more often, expect more phone calls and texts. I want to be here for you, to help you through the tough times with being a SAHM, with Arden (I could use some help with Liam too) and to bounce ideas off of.
I miss you, I love you and I am here for you, whenever you need me!
I am NOT a social butterfly. I talk a good talk, but I’m usually crap in social settings unless it’s with my friends that I’ve had for like 20 years. I get loud and obnoxious. I’m the girl at the party who just can’t stop talking.
Finding all our friends on MM, especially you, has been so exciting for me, but it’s also scared me. I’ve pulled back a few times because of that fear. I’ve considered just closing shop and leaving all together. I’m just afraid of getting too close. I’ve been burned a few times, and there are days when I’m just not up for it.
So I get the distancing thing, even if we don’t really have the same reasons for it.
And since we’re being perfectly honest here, I started having second thoughts about you and Jess coming to visit. I was having anxiety attacks about the whole thing. Whereas most parents do what they need to do throughout the day, if I see Ellie’s not feeling it (whatever “it” is), I put it off. So if we had plans to, say, go to the Bronx Zoo on Friday, and it looked like Ellie would probably have a meltdown in the car, I would say, “Let’s go to the small, local, crappy zoo instead,” probably majorly bumming you out because you had your heart set on seeing the big, fancy zoo.
I’ve seen people get annoyed with me because I somewhat cater to my daughter’s groove, and that irks me. These are the same people that tell me they can’t believe how well-adjusted and happy Ellie always seems to be. That’s WHY Ellie’s so well-adjusted and happy; she kind of runs the show.
This is turning into a journal entry all on its own. I guess what I’m trying to say is we all have our hang-ups, our less-than-desirable personality traits, what have you.
Reading what you’ve just written has finally made me realize that we still love each other regardless. I can’t wait to meet you, Hon.
Dear Homey-girl,
First, you are an awesome mom, and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. Like other’s have said, we are all that screaming banshee sometimes. Hell, I turn into her at least once a day! If it is any consolation, it does get better. I really promise. Saskia was just like Arden when she was that age. She was 100 times harder than Fiona is now, and Fiona is a handful. One incident that sticks out in my mind was when we spent a full 90 minutes battling over her brushing her teeth. Complete with spankings, time-outs for her, time-outs for mommy and lots of screaming and tears. I used to call my BF and cry hysterically because I couldn’t understand why she was so difficult and defiant. But guess what, now she is the easiest kid imaginable (except for the occasional sullen outburst). She is so smart, so caring, so wise beyond her years. I think that is part of the reason she was so difficult when she was young, her mental capabilities so far exceeded her physical ones that she lived in a state of perpetual frustration. I bet you Arden is the same way. Extraordinary kids have extraordinary temperaments, they try their moms to the quick, but in the end it is so worth it to have such a dynamo in your life. I promise it will pay off and I know that despite all the stress you are going to get through this phase with flying colors.
Second, I understand about the withdrawing too, for many reasons. I know exactly what it’s like to have people gossiping about your kid and how shitty it feels, because you know they don’t see the whole child. We tell ourselves that those people just suck, but it still hurts.
I’ve noticed your absence around here and I’ve worried about you, but I’ve been telling myself you are really busy with your new schedule and all the things you are trying to balance. I wish now I would have reached out more often, and I’m sorry I haven’t been a better friend.
I tend to panic a little when I start to get close to people and pull back. I don’t know why. Fear of intamacy I guess
So I have been doing a lot of hiding myself. I just want to take the opportunity to say that even if I’m not around, I’m thinking of my friends here all the time. You in particular are a fabulous friend whom I really love, despite not having had the chance to meet face to face yet. I admire your strength, your smarts, your wit and your insight so much. You are an amazing woman and I feel so lucky to have you as a friend. I just want you to know that.
Love,
Chrissi
Homey I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. Being a stay at home mom is the toughest job in the world. I couldn’t hack it, couldn’t handle being around my own kids so I went back to work. I feel so defeated admiting that, but it’s the truth.
You are doing an amazing job with your girls and believe me, you are not “that” mom. Everyone is “that” mom at some point in their parenting lifetime. Nobody’s kids are perfect and if they say their kids are perfect they are lying their asses off.
I wish I knew what to say or do to help you, please just know that I’m here for you Homey.
It’s so great that you were able to express yourself so well. I think the first thing YOU need to do is get a break for YOU. Do something that nurtures you so that you can come back into your home refreshed. Sometimes just taking care of you can make the difference in you child. They may be sensitive to ‘energy’ and detect yours and then take advantage of it. Also, there is such great help out there for children who are having difficulities (which includes ALL children!)...perhaps take on your child like you do a marketing project finding the best sources for how to work with her. We all have moments with our children that cause us to reach out. Good Luck!
I can so feel you right now. I could have written this, save some name changes and a few details. Well, no I could not have written this, but it is words I would use if I knew how to form them.
You are an amazing friend, and from what I can tell, an even better mom. We all have our days, weeks, and for me, years, in which we know we are the world’s most horrendous parent’s (we really aren’t) but it’s so defeating to admit these little people we love and wanted so much to bring into the world drive us absolutely NUTS. I could not stay home full-time or I would kill him. I hate the screaming and yelling, and threatening and cajoling. I know what to do (calm down) but I can’t do it. Makes you kinda hate yourself a little, something I never do at work.
As for your friends, we’re still here, and will be. I consider myself very lucky to have gotten to meet you face-to-face, and I wish I could do it every damn day. It’s been hard readjusting for me too. I put so much time, effort, thought and energy into those few days inVegas, that returning seemed like a let down. To not know when I am going to ee people again made me incredibly sad and I too have withdrawn. I sensed it from you (but seriously thought it was me) and have been doing the same thing. glad to know I am not alone.
I hope you are feeling back to yourself soon, and will come out and play more, because I miss you. I miss me too. If you happen to find me on your path, please point me in the right direction.
Hey Homey! I’m just going to gloss over all the stuff about your girls right now—not that it isn’t important—but because what I really want to say to you is, “I miss the bejeezus out of you!” I wish I had something clever or funny or magical to say to you that would make everything better, but I really just want to give you a big hug and babysit for you so you could have a break. I miss you! I’m here anytime you need me.
This was thoughtful and well written. You put to words what a lot of us moms feel. Nothing, absolutely nothing, about being a SAHM is easy. Heck, nothing about motherhood is easy! And, if you throw a child in there that doesn’t read all the parenting books and follow them it can just about push a mom over the edge! Believe me, I know! I’ve been dealing with one of those for 10 YEARS! I just keep believing it will get better. It HAS to!
Hopefully you will get the encouragement you need here to pick yourself back up!
I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling so crappy lately. I wish there was something I could do to help out :(
Your daughter will be FINE…and your doing AWESOME as her mommy!! Things always seem so bad when your going through them, and as time goes by, they fade (luckily for us)
The good thing about online friends is that you don’t HAVE to live close by to be CLOSE friends! We all have our days when we feel worse than others…but, pulling away can’t help you to feel better…grab one of us, or all of us next time
I can so relate my friend in regards to the isolation part. Its
frustrating….I understand! Where would we be if we didn’t have each
other to lean on. So glad you were able to reach out, I know first hand
how difficult that can be. If you’ll remember you encouraged me many
times to do so.
I know you have a lot on your plate but I would like to share a book with you called (Raising
Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense,
Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic) by: Mary Sheedy Kurcinka if you haven’t read it already.Or maybe you will find one of her other books to be helpful. She has some amazing books and helpful too. Rather
you realize it your child has many special gifts. You have to be the
one to keep the wind beneath their wings so that you can watch ‘em
soar. The way you do that is to find the right kind of help so they can
develop social skills, confidence and other strengths. I know you are doing that
and I am so proud of you. It isn’t easy.There is a huge community of
friends and family here that would be willing to help as long as you
are reaching out.
Hang in there gal…you’re doing a great job! Hugs to ya.
BTW…I am back in the Marketing field myself after being out for more than a year…..maybe you can help me with some ideas:D….seriously!
Aw, C, I’m so sorry for you. I can’t even imagine the pain you are feeling. Change coupled with some difficult to manage resources (kids) can’t be fun.
BUT I KNOW YOU WILL DO FINE.
If you remember, my little girl went thru a VERY difficult phase earlier this year. She was one infraction away from being expelled from Kindergarten.(!!!!) I cried. I yelled. I pleaded. I remained silent. I brooded. I read three books. We went to a counselor. The teacher emailed me daily. I talked with her every single day…good choices, bad choices, what she should have done. It was all so very tiring. I seriously considered why I wanted to do this mothering thing in the first place. It was a very difficult 3 to 4 months in our house. I hope yours get better soon. I have no magic wand. But I can send you happy thoughts and a big cyber ((hug)).
oh homey I so get what you are saying. I hate too reporting to my hubby how my day was once again a screaming/threatening match with my boys-they give me the hardest time. But I don’t want to lie either. So sometimes I just keep it to myself and maybe tell him a little at a time later. I also hate to see how upset he gets that once again they were giving me a hard time, he doesn’t see them much and when he does he is so upset with them then I feel bad b/c it’s my job to keep them in control and to listen to me when he is gone not his job to get on them later. I feel really horrible sometime too as if I’m doing something wrong if I get so upset, I try like you to start the day with a new look, new hope, but after day after day it gets hard to do sometimes. then i find myself doing things I know doesnt’ work but I’m so frustrated i do them anyways. Sometimes I feel I’ve exhausted every possible solution and yet keep telling myself there has to be something that will work!! We are always here to listen and do not feel that you are a bad mother or that your children have issues, thier kids and they all do things to drive us insane!! I tell you it’s those cutesy smiles and lovable moments that keep them alive! lol and keep us going to keep on trying.
I am so sorry that you are having a crappy time right now. I understand completely where you are coming from on this. Your Arden is my Tyler and Your Lily is my Kaycee. It will pass. It may take a very long time (unfortunately with Tyler it took 4 very long years) - I know not exactly what you want to hear but know that there is hope at the end and there is an end in sight.
Perhaps stop scheduling things so much for the girls. I know it is not really fair to Lily to do this, but there is no other way around it. Schedule maybe 2 or 3 fun things a week and that way you won’t be so frustrated trying to keep to a schedule or getting Arden to cooperate for you to accomplish what you need to do.
And you are sooo not the bad mom! You are a great mom who just cares about the happiness of your children and unfortunately right now it is putting to much stress on you. Breathe - send Arden to her room and sit and play with Lily. It will pass, I promise.