I like to communicate.  Up until my marriage started to fall apart, I used to pride myself on being a good communicator.  I could talk to anyone, at any level - from CEOs to farmers to random people in line at the grocery store.  I love talking, listening, hearing people’s stories.  It’s rare that I am speechless.  Perhaps I should be speechless more often. 

I got a weird package in the mail today from Apple.  It was an oddly shaped package, wrapped similarly to the way Amazon.com wraps their books.  I was distracted - it was dinner time.  I pulled it out of the packaging and at first I thought someone had accidentally shipped me a MacBook - it was white and flat and very Apple-like.  I pulled the cover off:

It’s weird pulling a book out and seeing your own mug on the front cover.  I had no idea what was inside it - naked pictures from Vegas?  Much better, actually.  The pages look similar to this one:

Way back when I met my internet friends*, I had no idea how much a part of my life they would become.  Though we are scattered around the world (literally), these women have been rocks to me (just like the one I broke my cocktail glass with at Nobu).  They are, as a whole, the most non-judgmental, diverse, intelligent, well-spoken, strong and opinionated group of women I know.  We get in tiffs from time to time, but the core group is still hanging together more than 2 years after we met online.  We’ve watched eachother’s children grow, gone through pregnancies, miscarriages, marital issues, family drama, fights, a few trolls, and a lot of alcohol when we’ve met in person. 

When I was hospitalized, one of the first people I called was Amanda.  She had everyone else’s phone numbers and is Ms. Efficiency, so I knew she would get the word out so that my absence wouldn’t cause any worry as we check in with other daily.  It should be a testament to the strength of those relationships that she was one of the first people I called.  She kept in touch with Mike, sent notes out to everyone, fielded phone calls, and generally made herself available.  When I got home, Jess refused to take no for an answer and called and called until I finally answered the phone.  They continue, as a group, to reach out to me, even though I’m a total crap friend these days who doesn’t return phone calls or emails and rarely checks in on the forum we have set up.  They seem to ignore my boring, monosyllabic responses and they continue to love me regardless of how unpleasant I am these days. 

Apparently, Cathy came up with the original idea.  Cathy, who lives in Hong Kong, who has very young baby and a very active boy, somehow coordinated and put it together.  The book is divided into sections.  Each section has two pages, each set written by one of the women in the group.  There are pictures of us together.  There are lists of ways I have affected their lives. Funny memories of phone calls, emails, or our rare meet-ups. There is poetry and some of the nicest things that have ever been written about me. 

Today was one of those days where I don’t answer the phone.  I spent a lot of time being angry that one of my medications IS.NOT.WORKING.  I’m over feeling like shit every day, I’m tired of crying, I’m tired of being a mess inside and putting on a happy face in public.  I’m tired of hurting my husband, and I’m tired of hurting period.  When I opened that book, and forced myself not to focus on how fat I was in some of the pictures (old habits die hard), I got a very timely glimpse of the person I was.  All these days and months thinking that I’ll never be the same again, or be loved again, or be enjoyed by others - well, I will come out of this.  Under the sadness and depression and fear, I’m still there, clawing my way out, trying to redefine myself.  My friends articulated things about me that I haven’t dared think about, let alone say.  They took time out of their own crazy lives and did this thing for me, and I was completely and utterly speechless.

After I cried (this time because I was so awestruck over what they had done), it took me another 30 minutes to try to thank them for what they did and tell them how important they are in my life.  Words really failed me - there is no good way to express the amount of feeling I have about what they did.  I tried, though - and I’m trying again here. 

My family has supported me through this time.  My husband, whom I’ve devastated, has supported me.  And without them, I wouldn’t be surviving.  Equally important, my friends have surrounded me, called me, written me, pestered me, bought me coffee and wine, and beat me until I cracked and bled.  They beat the truth out of me, then helped put me together again.  I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve the people who have formed a very warm and protective circle around me, but I am truly and completely grateful. 

I realize this may seem unnecessary, but I started making this list out in my head and I realized how many people have really and truly been there for me during this horrid stinky time in my life.  Writing it out was physical proof to me that I am the luckiest person on earth.  Thanks in particular to the following people, and please give me a break if I forgot someone because my medication messes with my memory:

Internet Freaks
Alicia
Amanda
Annita
Cathy
Christina
Jenni
Jess
Julia
Kate
Kristin
Melissa
Sara S.
Helena
and Jae, even though she’s left us for the moment (I love you Jae - come back!)

Twitter Peeps (many of whom are now real-life friends):
TheCheckoutGirl
WxDan
JasonKenney
KnownHuman
Snarketta
TrevorDickerson
Napkins
SheDrivesAJimmy
RichmondMom
MsMaladjusted
NewRose
RiverCityGal
Horhey
KindnessGirl
AnaRVA
CarrieFleck
KatieSmithRVA
UVALeg

Friends Met Through “Normal” Channels:
Susan.  I need to say it again.  Susan.  SUUUUUUUUUUUU-SAN.
Sara B.
Laura freakin’ P.
Julie R.
Julie “Restaurant Week” P.
John, Karen & Emma N.
Kimberly H.
Charlette M.
Dee R.
Rick W.
Pat W.
Brent R.
Chris M.
Amanda W.
Chris C.
Tricia H.
Julie P.
Allison E.
Philip & Mary L.
Michael M.
Bill P.
Ellen M.
Wynne R.
Jill B.
Helen B.
Kathy C.
Jennifer D. (my therapist - and she’s awesome)
Henry S.

My Crazy Family in its Entirety, but Particularly:
Anja
Sally
Risa
Mom and Dad
Dave and Beth
Aunt Paula

To each and every one of you:  thank you for being exactly what I needed, when I needed it. 

*i say this in a tongue-in-cheek way - at Bradley’s recent SMCRVA presentation, he said something to the effect that internet friends can be just as real, if not more so, than our flesh and blood friends. It was validating, because everything Bradley says is unequivocably true.