Today I’m thankful for my sister.  She’s probably the single person I can tell everything to - unadulterated and unexceptional. She’s generally the first one to know that something is up - good or bad - and always manages to pretend she’s not shocked.  She’s had an amazing journey over the past year and it’s changed her for the better.  I could probably get rid of my fabulous shrink (not that I would ever do that!) and hire Risa instead.  My cold, stiff sister now uses words like “enabling” and “I feel statements” as easily as cursing out the dog for peeing on the floor. 

I have a friend dealing with some serious mental stuff.  My friend reminds me of me, a while back.  It goes a little something like this: 

I know there’s something wrong.  I’m wrong, I’m off.  Everything hurts.  I don’t have time to deal with it.  I’m going to ignore it.  I know the people who love me are suffering but it can’t be that bad for them.  I’m too busy to deal with it.  I’m losing friends over this. I am losing healthy relationships.  I don’t have time to deal with this.  I don’t have the money to deal with this (i’mscaredi’mscaredi’mscared).  Screw everyone who can’t deal with me.  I’m fine.  I’ve been this way forever.  Get off my back.  I’ll deal with this when I have time.  Just wait a little longer.  Give me a break, I’m trying to fix this myself! She’s crying again. I feel so bad.  I can’t fix this.  I’m unlovable - bad person - broken - screwed up. I can’t do this.  I don’t know how.  I can’t.

This whole mantra goes on and on, sometimes for years.  Eventually the circle of friends willing to put up with you narrows to a tiny cloister.  Your world narrows too.  So many things are off limits or scary or just feel wrong.  Sometimes you feel angry because no one “gets” you.  Other times you feel like a huge loser.  Watching friends, girlfriends, boyfriends come and go makes you sad and deep down you know you are the common denominator, but it hurts too much to really think about it, so you don’t.  You are living the phrase “If you meet more than one asshole in a day, look in the mirror”.  Frankly, regardless of the reasons or the excuses, you ARE an asshole at times.  You are so self-centered and miserable, there is no room left in your heart to be the person you were meant to be.  Therefore, your friends check in and out of you like a crappy Motel 6. 

The thing is, and it’s such a cliche, most problems just aren’t that difficult to solve.  Mental stuff is uncomfortable, sometimes painful, to poke.  But what’s the alternative?  Wallowing like a hippo in your own mental feces?  Great alternative.  I was stuck for so long that I’d take the pain or fear any day over that feeling of cement feet, being tossed off a dock.  It’s all about drowning, but it’s the slowest death possible, and it kills everything around you too. 

My sister understands the very fine line between tolerance and loving support and enabling.  She’s been on both sides of the fence.  At some point, in the very near future, I have to determine what side I’m on.  I don’t like watching people self-destruct.  It’s too painful to watch, and it reminds me of how very close I came to growing gills.  That’s how long I was underwater. 

In other news, a beautiful weeping cherry tree in our front yard died over the long winter.  Or so I thought.  I decided that I should procrastinate tonight and instead of working, I started trying to pull the dead tree out.  Nikki got in on the action and between the two of us, we generated enough arboreal testosterone to win.  Turns out the winter didn’t kill the tree - the f’ing VOLES did.  I can’t even being to estimate the amount of monetary damage those freakish blind rats have done.  Best memory ever:  finding the remains of a vole eating by a hawk in our neighborhood.  All that was left?  The vole’s nasty front teeth.  #awesome

Anyway, I was cursing the lack of men at first when I tried to chop it down. The hacksaw is old and about as sharp as a butter knife.  Sheer will and determination yielded this:

Who needs men?  Not me.  SO not me.