Someone tweeted this link today. It’s a blog post from a woman who went through a Divorce Recovery Group.  I don’t know her, her situation, or what led her to divorce.  The question I’m asked most often is “Who wanted it?”  I never know what to say.  Is it fair to say that NEITHER of us wanted it, even though I am the one who initiated it?  Does anyone ever “want” divorce?  That’s why when I read about other divorces, I try to honestly not care who wanted it or what happened or who’s fault it is/was. 

The post is worth reading - but basically Ms. Horne talks about how forgiveness (in three easy steps!) helped her heal.  They are:  Asking forgiveness from a higher power, forgiving yourself, and forgiving your spouse. 

I’ve asked forgiveness from my higher power, however undefined and sketchy that power seems to be at times.  I’m not certain I’ve gotten it, but I will say I’ve got a certain amount of peace now as to what happened and why.  I like to credit my higher power for allowing me to be grateful about every step of this process instead of being destroyed by it. 

I’ve asked forgiveness from myself, and I actually have done it - for the most part.  I have moments where I still tear myself apart but deep down, I honestly believe the following:

1.  I didn’t do this on purpose.
2.  I never entered into marriage with the intention of dissolving it.
3.  I was unaware of any feelings I had during our engagement or wedding that surfaced many years later, therefore, I couldn’t deal with them because I wasn’t aware of them.
4.  There were two people involved, not just me, and we both contributed to the demise of our marriage.
5.  I am doing this to create a better environment for my children and for myself.
6.  I am willing to put my personal fulfillment above what society expects of me as long as it’s not at the expense of my children.
7.  I don’t believe that this is at the expense of my children.
8.  I am extremely proud of how I’ve handled this with my children, and forgiving myself for the actual deed is easier because of this fact.  I knew I was a good mom before, but frankly, I feel pretty fantastic about my mothering skills in this particular area.  I still suck in plenty of others.

As for asking forgiveness from my spouse, I’ve asked, but I don’t think I’ve been very direct about it. During marriage counseling, every other word out of my mouth was “Sorry.”  Or variations of “I am so sorry.  I am horrible.  I don’t know why I can’t fix this.  I know you hate me.  I’ve ruined your life.”  etc ad nauseam.  I also know from years of therapy that no one can “ruin your life”.  Only you have that power, Young Skywalker. 

I want him to forgive me.  I think when he does, we will be a parenting team once again instead of me trying to keep the lines of communication open with someone who really would rather I disappear into a puff of vile green smoke after having water thrown on me.  I’m melting . . . 

If I take some of the behavior out of the divorce process, I still can honestly say I like my ex.  I don’t like some of his actions, and I know he doesn’t like MANY of mine.  But we brought children into the world.  We will be tied together permanently for a very long time, divorced or not. 

I thought that perhaps I’d forgiven him (though many would say, “for what????”).  I don’t think I’m completely there yet.  The things I haven’t let go of aren’t obvious to outsiders.  They have to do with things like not being able to communicate very important feelings and not standing up for what he wanted or what was important to him, then holding me responsible.  So I’m working on that.  I will eventually ask him directly for forgiveness.  He may be unable to give it, but as Ms. Horne says, the process of simply asking is a good way to start. It reminds me of the 8th Step in AA/OA/Alanon:  “Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all”.  I owe him big amends. First he has to be willing to accept them.  I have to be willing to accept them too.

My favorite part from the post, and what I wish for my husband:

One evening, I announced to the group that it would be my last meeting.  The therapist looked at me and said, “Just why do you think you don’t need this group any longer?”  I replied, “Because I no longer feel ‘divorced,’ I feel ‘single.’”