First, the good news and the easy news. I’m down 31 pounds - broke my first MAJOR milestone. I’d like to lose another 15, but at least I can live with myself now. I also got a haircut today. I desperately needed one - it’s been since June.
Second, the not good and not easy news. Richmond’s a very small town, and some membes of my family have very large mouths. That’s okay, we’re a bunch of height-challenged emotional Mexicans - what can you expect?
(Note to my mother: Stop reading here. Seriously. Close the browser and step away from the computer.)
(takes break to allow mother time to stop reading)
Okay. Blogging is a weird thing. You develop an online persona, but it’s never truly who you are. With blogging you choose what and when to expose, and you can make things look pretty or ugly depending on the way you shine your literary light. During coffee with The Checkout Girl earlier this week, we were discussing the dreaded Mommy Blog and how someone she knew who was fairly famous was going through a divorce. Unfortunately this person makes money giving parenting advice, so she was feeling like her life was over. Or something like that. We were talking about how refreshing it would be if people would just come clean about their realities. If you’re divorcing, just say it. No one expects us to be perfect. Well, maybe some do, but we can just ignore those people.
Because I have had such trauma in my head over the past few months, and because I have to self-censor here to protect the innocent, I’ve been really feeling neglectful of this blog. I’m holding up a Photoshopped version of my life right now because that is what is expected of me and that is what certain others are comfortable with.
Again, if you are becoming uncomfortable, stop reading and go to your happy place.
Obviously I am not going to discuss the deep and dark specifics of my issues. This isn’t because I’m embarassed of them, but it’s because my drama involves someone else (my husband) and I can’t tell those stories. For every inch that I am open, he is a closed door.
That being said, I’m just going to cut down on the speculative emails I’ve been getting today and say that yes, Mike and I have separated. It is not a bad thing. It is not a negative thing. It does not mean we are getting the big D. It means that he and I have some stuff to work on individually, and we are both working very hard on that. The space gives us the chance to do that without feeling like we are walking on eggshells all the time. It allows us to both focus all available energies on our children, and that’s really the most important thing right now.
Marital problems are a big no-no in our family. That doesn’t mean our family has none, it just means that they aren’t discussed and no one divorces. Stay married and be miserable, dammit! That’s just how we roll. Even though most of us are non-practicing Catholics, Catholicism has a way of seeping into your bones at a young age. It’s hard to forget those lessons beaten into us during our tender years.
I’ve just found that I’m already so very tired of being asked, “Does so and so know? Oh my god, what about the holidays??? Who will go where? And so and so wants to come up, whatever shall we tell her,” complete with hand-wringing. It just seems so much easier to tell my family and friends: yes, we are separated, no we are not getting a divorce tomorow, yes the kids are fine, no we don’t hate each other, and let it go at that. It is private, between Mike and me - but I’m not going to pretend the reality of the situation does not exist. Is it serious? Yes. Is it sad? Yes. Are we surviving? Yes.
The great thing about my husband (and myself - hell, I might as well give myself some kudos while I’m writing this): his primary concern is our children. We are doing everything we can, at great personal cost, to keep their lives stable and as comfortable and normal as possible. Although we’re doing it in a fairly non-traditional way, we’re doing what works best for our family as a whole and trying to put our individual needs and wants aside. Those of you with opinions on the details or the hows or whys will just have to be satisfied knowing that we have discussed everything and are a united front. We always have been.
It’s been a simulatenously amazing and sobering experience to realize that some of my friends are going to be there for us and some are not. People I didn’t think gave two craps about me have come out of the woodwork. Others that I thought would support me no matter what have not supported me. In a few cases, my perception tells me that a back has been turned on me. Family members I thought would be judgmental have shared their own stories with me. Other family members have freaked out on me. It’s like living in Bizarro Cristina World where everything is upside down. I realize that when you admit you are having marital problems, many people with their own panic because it makes them insecure or afraid. I remember when a close friend told me she was divorcing. I felt personally threatened. I went home and clung to Mike and said, “God I hope that never happens to us.” Thankfully I was still able to support my friend, even though it scared and saddened me. Not everyone is able to do that right now, and I am trying to forgive and understand.
So there you go. This post negates the need to put unicorns and rainbows up daily, which is good, because all of the graphics I could find were getting progressively more disturbing.
At the end of the day, this is my blog. It is my space. If you are uncomfortable with what I’m sharing, please do yourself a favor and don’t read it. You can be assured I won’t be sharing any more than this in terms of details, but I will be free, in my own space, to say that I am having a bad day, or that I am doing better, or that I am concerned for myself or for Mike. Otherwise, this entire blog becomes a big fat lie and a huge waste of my time.
*hugs* separation and divorce always sucks…it’s never easy for anyone involved. As a recovered Cathaholic I understand how some of it stays with you even though you aren’t practicing anymore.
*Another huge hug*
Cristina, if I haven’t said it before, I will say it now, you are so brave. I think taking that step towards what is best for you and not what is expected of you is hard. You are awesome, brave and strong.
Hugs and Love.
Dude, I’ve been through a separation and a divorce. No judgement here. Just here if you need someone to talk to. Love you. Big hugs to you and the girls.
Sending you lots of love.
You are one strong woman. I think of you often and truly hope that things work out for the best for both of you, whatever that may be.
I will simply add my repetitive, “Your honesty is enlightening and admirable”. You know I’ve said it before and my opinion of you and how you handle your business have never changed.
Which is why I stopped blogging. I didn’t want my laundry aired daily and I couldn’t present the pretty package and be real. I share what I want with who I want, and thank you for being one of those people. You know I love you and will be here for you through everything and will never ask for more details than you care to provide. Your life may be shared here, but it is what you chose to share. If someone doesn’t like it, ...well you know my opinion and I can’t word it without swearing. I’m glad you are both focused on the kids and making things good for them, and proud of you for working on what you need to to be content with yourself. My thoughts have been with you and will continue to be.
That is a LOT to go thru and I am sure it has been difficult to filter on your blog.
With all of your entries, you are able to connect with people. In this new direction your life is taking, there will be more people out there that will benefit from your honesty. I hope that you are also comforted by sharing and from the outpouring of support that is headed your way from all of your loyal fans (*waving* from California!)
My husband was raised Catholic by 2 people that were never happy together and waited until he was 18 to separate and divorced 16 (YES, 16!) years later…but he feels like their marriage was a sham the whole time looking back…sad. Southern Baptist girl here and I will be praying for you, for strength and for wisdom and a peace that passes all understanding in the mean time…hugs to you from TX ~
Kari
Bravo for your blog. I wish more folks would put the children first when relationships are challenging. Hang in there
I am here for you! Hang in there, you have a lot of wonderful people in your life who will support you. HUGS
And a big congrats on the 31 lbs! You work your ass off at the Y. Kudos!
31 pounds is a great achievement…congrats! There will always be family and friends who don’t deal well when life around them gets messy, but that’s life. Hopefully you’ll have enough love and support to get through it all. You know we’re here for you any time!!
Every time I read your blog, I am further impressed with your honesty and your strength. Congratulations on the 31 pounds, and I’m sorry that you have been dealing with the sadness that comes with marital issues. Call me whenever, I will watch you drink wine in support, maybe even sneaking some in myself…
Did this start bubbling up when your dog died?
Cristina, I’ve been following your blog “secretly” for quite a while now. Not because I’m embarrassed to be, but because we were once friends back in “the old school days” and had a falling out (unfortunately it was my fault). Following your blog all these years later made me realize why I was even friends with you to begin with - because you are a very strong and honest individual, not to mention absolutely hilarious! I’m sorry to hear that you’ve come across some bumps in the road, and hope everything works out for you and your family.
You know exactly where I stand on all of this, right beside you. I’m proud of the way you are handling this. You are brave to put this all out there. I love you and will be here for you as long as you need me.
P.S. Awesome job on the weight loss! You’re awesome!
@mariane, no, didn’t have anything to do with the dog dying, though i am still sad about that . . .
I am delurking now, just to let you know, I am so sorry that this is happening. I really enjoy your blog, think your daughters are beautiful, cried over the death of your dog, and I am really sorry you and Mike are going through this. And, if this means anything, proud of both of you for putting your children first. I hope everything turns out for the best, whatever that may be.
I have been there. Welcome to the world of high growth - a world that you led yourself to - and a prison of your own making to release yourself from - this is that shining moment when you will grab that brass ring - finally see through the haze of a most amazing blind spot - and build the new positive story that will be you. You can do this Cristina - I have full faith in you!
Big (hug)... I know what your going through isn’t easy…Kuddos for you for putting the kids first. It’s not always easy. My sister recently went through a divorce, and it was heart wrenching, but today now that it is over and finalized, they are all ok. The husband had major issues, was a sex addict, etc. Despite everything, I am proud of them for being civil to each other for the kids sake.
Just wanted to say kudos to you for your bravery and strength. I hope that putting this out into the big blog world is a step in moving forward for you. I’ll be thinking about you and wishing your family a smooth transition to whatever comes next. xoxo
Very good blog post! I’m with ya, Sistah.
I understand the sobering reality of finding out who is your friend and who is not when your life changes dramatically.
Also, Giant Congrats on the weightloss… Me Too!!! Yay!
*sigh* I can understand - as a fellow rainbow painter. I have always admired your honesty (as painful as it sometimes has been) and you have been and continue to be a good example to follow. Keep doing what you’re doing love, and it will all work out exactly as it is supposed to - and no one knows what that will be.
31 pounds!! *cabbage patch dancing* You rock sista. BTW - I have a couple of extra rooms and a car at your disposal if you or you and the girls want to come out to Calif. XO ((HUGS))