House/apartment/townhome/condo hunting has been discouraging, to say the very least.  In the last 4 days, I’ve seen more than my fair share of black mold (“it’s just a carpet stain - it will come right out!”), cat piss (“Really?  You smell cat pee?”), downed phone/electrical wires in backyards (“it wasn’t there yesterday!”), front steps that were warped and rotted (“Really? I didn’t notice that!”), decks waiting to collapse (“it’s totally fine - it just looks rickety.”), backyards full of rusted nails and rotting wood (no comment from the landlord on that one), ant infestations, houses that reek of wet dogs (“Really?  You smell wet dog?”), and houses that have not seen the receiving end of a vacuum or sponge in at least one year.  My favorite experience from yesterday:  walking up the stairs in a house where the master bedroom was locked.  Apparently the landlord “couldn’t get the door unlocked” to show it to us.  Perhaps it had something to do with the blood stains on the stairs and wall?  I guess some people will rent a house without seeing all the rooms - not sure about that.  The second bedroom featured a mattress on the floor covered in leopard print sheets. It reminded me of some sort of brothel.  It smelled similarly. 

Sometimes, when I forget that I’m bringing my kids along with me, I can laugh about the sheer wackiness of the situation.  But when I remember that I’ve got to find a place acceptable for my children, I stop laughing.  I usually end up crying in the car and feeling sorry for them and not myself.

The rent in the Richmond area remains absolutely ridiculous.  Add this:  I need to be within 15 minutes of Lily and Arden’s elementary school so I can get there to drop off and pick up.  For those wondering, there is no way I can stay in the same school district.  One bedroom apartments here go for minimum $850.  I need at least 3.  All of these places I’ve looked at?  Not one has been less than $900/month.  Most range between $1100 and $1495. 

I’m upping my rent range to see if that helps.  I’m sure I can make some extra cash selling my body on West Broad Street, right?  Yeah.  Maybe not.  The days of wine and roses are going to be replaced with the days of ramen noodles and bare dirt backyards. 

And oh, the craigslist scams.  Here’s a response to an inquiry I sent.

Hello ,
It is a great pleasure that you are interested in my house. Thanks for your
email,It’s my pleasure reading it.I am Mr. Bethany Turpin**, ,the Owner of the
house you are making enquiry of. Actually I have been living in the House for Seven years with my Wife,Kids and Family Members,due to the nature of my kind of work as a Bulilding Contractor,  I was transfered with my Boss to West Africa Nigeria
for the Constructions of Bridges and roads,so presently i’m in Nigeria . But
my House is yet to be rented,formally i wanted to sell the house but i decided to rent it out because am only staying here for four years. my house is still vacant for now.And the fee is just $800 including the Utilities like Hydro,Washer, Security.I know you will like it.Please i want you to note that,i am a kind and honest Man and also i’ve spent alot on my property.So i will solicit for your absolute mentenance of
this house and want you to treat it as your own,is that taken?Money is not
the matter here,but I want you to keep it tidy all the time,so that i will
be glad to see it neat when i come around for a check up.I do that once in
a while.I also want you to let me have absolute trust in you.

I was then asked for:

RENT APPLICATION FORM
Also,Pls let me get this answer.
1).Your Full Name
2).Your Full Address & Phone Number
3).How old are you?
4).Are you married?
5)...How many people will be living in the house?
6).Do you have any Pet?
7).Do you have a Car?
8)if this apartmen is being given to you,
how long do you intend staying?
9)when do you intend moving in?
10)your picture and your wife picture?
Looking forward to hear from you with all this details so that i can
have it in my file incase of issuing the receipt for you and contacting
you.Await your urgent reply so that we can discuss on how to get the
document and the key to you,please we are giving you all this base on trust and again i will want you to stick to your words,you know that,,so please do not let us down in this our property .

Hilarious stuff.  The pictures of the house?  The idiot didn’t just steal them and upload them to Craigslist.  Nope.  They are still linked to the original property in Bradenton, Florida.  Good stuff. 

Getting back out there again today - here’s to more cat piss and mold!

(P.S.  Friendly suggestion to people wanting to rent their houses and investment properties:  Dude.  Clean them first.)