I know I’ve mentioned it before, but one thing I’m really proud of in my own divorce is the way my ex and I have handled any issues with the girls, especially regarding how we discuss the girlfriend/boyfriend in each of our lives.  My ex’s girlfriend is actively involved in both girls lives. Has it been weird?  Yeah, of course.  Am I threatened by her? No.  She fills a role in their life, and right now that role is fun for all of them and full of exciting and new things.  She doesn’t have kids of her own, and is able to focus on mine.  Sometimes that is weird for me.  That’s the best word I can think of for it.  At the end of the day, though, I trust my ex’s judgment.  I know he will put good people around the kids we had together.  And I’m pretty sure he feels the same way about me. 

So yes, I know that we are more on the “fantasy” side of divorced parents sharing custody of their kids.  I get it.  I get that most divorces and custody arrangements are ugly and drawn out for years.  The kids pay the price, and so does everyone touched by that kind of poison.  I felt so grateful I had dodged that particular bullet, though I’m peppered straight through with many other kinds of ammunition.

What I didn’t consider was how much damage and anger my boyfriend’s soon-to-be legal ex-wife was going to cause. 

I mean, people are reasonable, right?  Both parents love their children, and want what’s best for them, and frankly, we can say that what’s best for a child is an amorphous thing, but really, it normally isn’t that hard to figure out what hurts them less and how to behave around them.  Even if I felt ill will toward my ex’s girlfriend, and I do not - I would NEVER (capitalization necessary) discuss that in front of my children, or tell them bad things about her, or try to turn them against her.  My children have enough strife in their life without worrying about how their mom feels about their dad’s girlfriend. 

Unfortunately Running Boy’s ex doesn’t feel that way. 

Much as I’d love to lay her open right here, it won’t do any good.  It might actually do some harm.  So I’m going to keep this general.  I’m not allowed to send this directly to her, so I’m just going to write it here and hope that the universe, God, or whatever she believes in will give her some peace so she can in turn give it back to her children.

Dear ___:

I know we’ve never officially met.  That’s been partly due to the fact that neither of us has any desire to meet, but also because I am afraid to meet you.  Some days I harbor such intense anger and disbelief surrounding you that I fear a face to face meeting would result in all sorts of words coming out from behind my filter, and we all know that’s not going to be good.  But I’m going to put that aside for a minute and introduce myself.

Hi.  I’m the girlfriend of your ex-husband.  I’ve been around for quite a while and I am not going anywhere.  I have two children of my own; I believe you’ve heard lots about them from your own two children.  I just have a couple of things to remind you of, as well as a couple of things to ask of you.  If you can do these things, we’ll get along just fine in the future.

First, the reminder parts. 

You left him.  YOU left.  You chose to end it.  When you end things, you don’t get to dictate the future.  You don’t get to say, “I don’t love you anymore and I want out” and still try to set rules about who he can date, when, and how.  Additionally, communication is an amazing thing.  Say what you want and say what you mean and you might get better results.  Waiting until court to throw a bunch of crap out into the air doesn’t help anyone.  If you have concerns about him, or me, or our life together - speak up.  I know it’s hard and weird but it’s necessary. 

Second reminder.  YOU left.  I realize that sounds like the first, but in this case, I mean it in a different manner.  You wanted out.  You got out.  But maliciously attempting to destroy his life (and I still don’t get where all your anger comes from, but I’m guessing you don’t either - in that case, therapy is a real life-saver) isn’t helping and it’s hurting his kids.  The amount of money the two of you are spending in legal fees equals a Harvard education for at least one of your two kids.  Keep it up and I’m sure we can get another 4 years of ivy league paid out in legal fees.  Is it best for your kids to be attending community college because you blew through every ounce of money you once had fighting over 40% custody versus 60%?  Or a couch that was worth $1000 10 years ago?  Trust me.  It isn’t worth it. 

Oh, I know I sound a bit self-righteous.  I made many, many mistakes in my marriage and in the ensuing aftermath.  But that’s my crap and I have to live with myself every day for it.  However, I never attempted to make my ex pay or give me things that weren’t mine to take, WHETHER I WAS LEGALLY ENTITLED TO OR NOT.  I resent you trying to ruin him in your need for the almighty dollar.  I resent you continuing your path knowing full well there is no good end result for yourself, yet you’re going to see it through to the bitter end.  Most of all,  I resent you dragging two innocent children into your issues, and I resent having to deal with you.  I’ve earned some peace in my life, whether you believe me or not.  And nothing about the way you act is peaceful, whole, or healthy. 

My requests: 

Please, no matter how you feel about me - leave me out of your discussions with your children.  I made the dire miscalculation to take your 4 year old daughter out to have a manicure with me.  It’s something my kids have always enjoyed doing with me and I felt like she needed a little extra attention.  Apparently, in your words:  “____(me) is not your mother and she shouldn’t be doing your nails.”  Interesting that nail polish makes you a mom.  Apparently nail polish is the domain of the mother, but making sure your 4 year old’s birthday is recognized (in your words, what kid needs a party every year???), is the domain of girlfriends and other family and friends.  How fun it must have been for your ex and my boyfriend to hear his daughter say that I am not supposed to be caring for her in any way or showing her love or attention.  Are you that insecure that you can’t allow me to do anything nice for your children?  The next time your son runs a high fever, should I withhold a cool washcloth for his forehead because again, that is a “mother’s job”?  God forbid I step on your toes by reading a story, sharing a hug or fixing popcorn for your children.  If you can’t change this, then please provide me a numbered or bulleted list of all the items that fall to the “real” mother so I can avoid those in the future. 

Here’s the deal - when we leave husbands, we also accept the fact that we are not going to be with our kids 100% of the time.  And frankly, if someone is around my girls when they are sick or tired or just feeling lonely and can provide them some solace, a washcloth, or a band-aid, I’m completely okay with it.  Why can’t you be?  Can you truly grow up and let go?  Saying mean things about me or making your little girl feel strange about allowing me in her life really isn’t helpful to anyone, even if it makes you feel better when you do it. 

My part of the deal is that I will not try to replace you as their mother.  I couldn’t even if I wanted to.  My ex’s girlfriend won’t replace me either.  More people to love children is never a bad thing.  Remove your head from your ass and take a hard look at where you are directing your misery.  Because yes, it’s bugging your ex and it’s bugging the crap out of me.  However, it’s doing worse than bugging your children.  You are hurting them, as surely as you wouldn’t let them play in traffic or eat dirt or leave dirty needles around your apartment. 

And I mean this from one mother to another:  honey, it would help all of us if you’d stop worrying so much about everyone else and start looking at your own parenting skills.  When your daughter runs a fever and has trouble breathing or is acting out of it, suck it up and take her to the doctor instead of leaving it for your ex to deal with.  Stop throwing stones at other people who are just trying to help and spend some time looking into the roots of your own miserable behavior.  Take the time you have with your kids and LOVE them.  Focus on them, not on all the other things you aren’t “getting” or “losing”. 

Because, as I’ve told your ex many times over now . . . if you wanted all of those things, all you had to do was stay married to him. 

Divorce requires so many sacrifices. Many of them you don’t even realize until you stumble blindly into that wall.  Part of your realization is going to be that your ex is happier now.  His life has moved forward.  Your kids are surviving and doing well, even if you make poor decisions sometimes. 

Frankly, if the worst thing your kids have to experience is another woman who loves and cares about them, your kids are pretty lucky.  Just as mine are lucky to have someone to love them when I’m not around, and do things like paint their nails or braid their hair. 

xoxoxo,

The ex’s girlfriend