It’s been a weird couple of days.  First I heard from someone from my very way back past, Dale Carlson.  He and my good friend Colleen had a love thing going for a long time, and he was looking for Colleen and came across a blog posting about her.  It was great to hear from him - he was always hilarious, wild and smart.  This got me thinking that I should continue my quest to find Colleen.  Googling wasn’t working so I googled her brother, actually FOUND him, and wrote him.  He wrote me back and gave me Colleen’s info, told me she was living in the Florida Keys, and in the process of buying a business.  I felt like yelling, YOU GO GIRL!  Colleen always had a flair for retail and fashion so I was thrilled to hear the news.  Apparently she’s moving back to TC at some point.

So in less than 24 hours I heard from two people I haven’t seen in probably 20 years.  Freaky.  At least they were people I wanted to hear from! 

As far as lack of updates, Jennifer and I have been feverishly working on an e-commerce site that will tentatively launch in mid-October.  We attempt to be billable during the day (got a mortgage to pay) and do a lot of the research and set up work in the evenings, but it has prevented me from doing much else. 

And to be honest, I’ve been a little blog-shy.  You’ve heard of gun shy, right?  Well, since I “hurt” so many people in my family unintentionally with some previous posts, I’ve been reconsidering and reassessing my blog.  The end result is that I’m not going to change anything, including my approach, but I also had to come to terms with the fact that I may, and probably will, offend people with my opinions or choices, and I have to be willing to accept the repercussions of that.  It’s hard with my family because we sure can dish it out, but randomly, we can’t take it.  This is a general comment, not directed at any one person in particular, but when my entire family’s discourse consists of raking each other lovingly over the coals, it’s hard to predict when someone’s feelings are going to be hurt.  And I do agree with my father - weddings do bring out the worst, people misbehave, expectations are insanely out of control, and people say things during the moment that they never would dream of saying later.  A couple of extremely rude and offensive comments were made directly TO my mother and about my mother (to myself and my sister) - but instead of lambasting them openly in the blog, I choose to be a big girl and deal with it privately on my own.  Who knows? Maybe they were joking!  Doubtful, but my point is that we all just need to relax, give people the benefit of the doubt, and try to buck up our personal insecurities and sensitivities. 

For example, my sister was laughing at my snoring when we were in Michigan. Dave commented while at breakfast wtih my mother that he tends to snore more when he’s carrying some extra winter fat.  My mom immediately shot me a knowing look and I jokingly snapped back, “Well shit, if I wasn’t such a huge freakin’ whale, I’d probably SNORE LESS!”  Now I know my mom wasn’t directly telling me I was fat, but because I am so hyper-sensitive about my weight, I assume everyone is always talking about it when they aren’t.  Being aware of what a freak I am about my body image also helps me to give others the benefit of the doubt.  And I guess that’s all I’m asking for. 

Jennifer called me Moses today - as in the person that parted the Red Sea, because I’ve been calling myself the “Great Divider” in terms of my family.  It’s really not that dramatic or bad, but I really need to try to keep my sense of humor about all of this.  Knowing that I hurt people in my family that I love and actually care deeply about is hard for me to swallow, but I still wouldn’t change anything.  That makes it almost harder. 

I think I’m going through a phase where I am realizing, in terms of family, what works and what doesn’t.  Some major things right now are just not working for me.  Relationships with family, whether immediate or by marriage, have times where they are strained.  I also realized that just because I married someone or am related by blood to someone doesn’t mean we have to be best friends.  With regard to my husband’s family, there are things I need to do to protect my own mental health.  Getting caught up in the sheer amount of disappointment, followed closely by anger, that I often feel with them is not a good thing for me.  Mike lives his life with no expectations, or expecting the worst. It’s the lawyer in him.  I am the eternal optimist in that way, and I’m constantly feeling let down by certain factions in my life.  My morning affirmations used to be, “You are a beautiful, successful woman” - said while trying not to laugh . . . and now they are “Be like Mike. Be like Mike.  Be like Mike.”  It works for him and there’s a reason for him being the way that he is.  I can’t apply my familial rules and behaviors to his family, because they aren’t even written in the same language. 

In the meantime, there are moments of pure bliss.  This morning Lily crawled into bed with me and wrapped her entire body around mine, petted my face, and said, “I love you, Mommy.  You are my best, sweet Mommy.  Awwwww.”  Yes, she actually said “Awwww.”  She kissed my entire face, then used my head as a pillow so she could see Arthur on PBS better (or Our-Fur as she calls him).  Arden, also napping at school, is happy most days as well.  Although they are both very spirited children (a nice way of saying demanding), I love the fact that they are both overflowing with personality.  It’s my own personal payback for being a pain in the ass to my parents.  Even now I think I still give them ulcers.  I get extreme pleasure (and also a little shiver of fear) when I see Lily and Arden beginning to bond as sisters and gang up on the parents.  They run and hide from us, laugh at us, and allow each other to love one another when they think we aren’t looking.  It’s pretty cool.

One of the things I noticed at Julie’s wedding was how much of an impact she and Cristin had on each other, and how much they love each other. It was really good for me to see the two of them, both adults with their own lives, still so much involved with one another.  Those are my hopes for Lily and Arden, especially since having them so close together nearly made me certifiably insane. 

In the meantime, if anyone has advice on dealing with difficult family members, I’m willing to hear any and all suggestions as long as it doesn’t involve hit men (that’s just not in the budget this year).