(By the way, it took an extreme amount of maturity not to make a bowel movement joke in the title of this post. *golf claps*)

Today has been a full day of questions I can’t really answer and a lot of introspection.  First, Mike and I had our initial marriage counseling session.  I liked the therapist and am convinced of one thing:  she will help us figure out what direction we are going in.  I can’t tell you what direction that is, but we started down the path and I’m glad to be moving instead of mired down in my own personal version of hell:  inertia. 

At 1 pm, I went off to see a psychiatrist my therapist recommended.  (note:  so this is what it’s like to be old - doctor’s appointment after doctor’s appointment!)  I liked her a lot but I was a bit shocked when she slapped another diagnosis on me.  I heard murmurings of it while at Poplar Springs.  She confirmed that I was having panic attacks, but thankfully I have had none since the afternoon I got out of the hospital.  She prescribed Xanax for any time in the future I feel one coming on and recommended keeping it in my purse.  I’m a regular drug pusher now.  “So what’s in your purse, Mommy?”  “Oh, just the essentials, girls;  you know, a tampon, some lipstick, face powder and Mommy’s little helper, Xanax!”

She diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder II.  I immediately did what all nerds do:  I googled it on the world wide interwebs.  It was pretty shocking, because a lot of it made me say, “Wow, um, that’s me.”  I always assumed you couldn’t be bipolar if you didn’t have the mania with it - I didn’t realize there are many versions of Bipolar.  Here’s an excerpt from the article: 

Symptoms during hypomanic episodes include:

  * Flying suddenly from one idea to the next
  * Rapid, “pressured” speech
  * Increased energy, with hyperactivity and decreased need for sleep

People experiencing hypomanic episodes are often quite pleasant to be around. They can often seem like the “life of the party”—making jokes, taking an intense interest in other people and activities, and infecting others with their positive mood.

What’s so bad about that, you might ask? Hypomania can also lead to erratic and unhealthy behavior. Also, the vast majority of people with bipolar II disorder experience significant depressive episodes. These can occur soon after hypomania subsides, or much later. Some people cycle back and forth between hypomania and depression, while others have long periods of normal mood in between episodes.

Untreated, an episode of hypomania can last anywhere from a few days to several years. Most commonly, symptoms continue for a few weeks to a few months.

Depressive episodes in bipolar II disorder are similar to “regular” clinical depression, with depressed mood, loss of pleasure, low energy and activity, feelings of guilt or worthlessness, and thoughts of suicide. Depressive symptoms of bipolar disorder can last weeks, months, or rarely years.

It’s also considered a very mild form of Bipolar which means I’m only mildly crazy.

I’m joking about all of this, but I’m a combination of relieved and upset.  I’m relieved because I’m on a new medication that sits on top of my antidepressant and will hopefully level me off more permanently.  Even though my antidepressant is working better, I’m still very moody. I can handle that, but I literally go from full-on moments of joy to the very depths of despair in less than 10 seconds.  It’s the speed of that rollercoaster that makes me sick and tired of being me.  I’m upset because damn, seriously?  Depression is bad enough, but you can act like it’s a temporary thing.  Like, “Oh, I’m having a rough time right now - but this too shall pass, bless my heart!”  Bipolar has a scary, straightjacket-and-padded-room sort of feel to it - at least it does to me.  This is partly because a close friend in college was plain ol’ Bipolar and her brand of crazy scared the crap out of me.  There was one particularly memorable wrist-slashing episode resulting in her bleeding all over my car as I rushed her to the hospital, and another where she overdosed on Lithium all the while screaming at me over the phone.

It’s hard feeling normal and likeable these days.  In many ways, my ego and self-esteem has hit an all-time low.  In other ways, I feel pretty good about myself - mainly because I’m finally dealing with some ugly stuff inside of me.  Finding out I have yet another wart on my psyche bums me out, but at least I can treat it.  Hi, I’m Cristina - your lovable eating-disordered, bipolar depressive.  Wanna hang out?