Today, I had the joy of my annual “womanly” appointment.  Actually, it was almost joyous because 1.) the kids are back in school! and 2.) I absolutely love the woman who gets the honors of smearing my pap. 

Carol is a CNM (certified nurse midwife).  I’ve been seeing her since I was pregnant with Arden. She got me through that horrific pregnancy and then some.  She knows all of my deep, dark secrets and helped me weigh the benefits of Zoloft against the cons of Zoloft while with child.  Normally at my annual, Carol asks me if I have any questions and I always answer with a resounding “Nope!”  Today, I had a number of questions for her.  I’ve got some weird pain I’ve been dealing with for the last 3-4 weeks. It comes and goes, so she wants me to get it checked out by the MammoPancake people.  I’m not overly worried - after feeling me up, she didn’t find any lumps or weirdness. 

I also told her I was at the end of my rope with my weight.  We had a lengthy discussion about how a prior eating disorder can seriously mess with the metabolism.  My mom told me the earth-shattering news that in order to lose weight, you had to consume less calories.  I had no idea!  My frustration comes when I consume “less calories” and work out like fiend 4-5 times a week.  I’m not talking about yoga, either.  I’m talking about sweat-drenching bike rides, circuit training with anaerobic breaks every 2 minutes, and weight lifting and sculpting.  I am not an exercise wuss, and I push myself hard.  Typical me:  I’m either working out to the edge of death (or unconsciousness), or I’m sitting on the couch eating potato chips. 

Carol had a couple of suggestions for me.  The first was to draw some blood (my so not favorite thing to do!) to check my thyroid levels.  Results coming in 48 hours. The second was to either see the nutritionist they have on staff or join Weight Watchers online.  I was reluctant to see a nutritionist.  The only ones I talk to have to specialize in eating disorders, or I get a little crazy.  Many of my friends have had good results on Weight Watchers, so I decided to sign up for the online trial and see how it goes.  Susan was a champ and decided to do it with me, after we both started referring to each other as the “Chin Sisters”. 

Whoo hooo, on Day 1, I managed to stay within my points AND bank an extra 7 due to the length of time I worked out. 

Dieting is hard for me. I can’t call it dieting or I get crazy.  I can’t restrict too much, or I stop eating.  I can’t NOT restrict, because then I eat anything and everything.  Except vegetables.  I’ve never binged on veggies. 

The one area of my life where I am certifiably insane is my weight and my love/hate relationship with food.  If you haven’t walked in my shoes, you can’t comment. You really can’t.  You don’t understand what it’s like to wake up feeling trapped in your own skin, but unwilling to make the changes necessary because that means going back to crazy living, like the years without flour and sugar.  A sane person says, “Yes, but there’s a happy medium. There is a middle. There is a gray.”  The person inside my skin doesn’t understand gray - apparently because that person is color blind.

Weight Watchers seems like a fairly sensible LONG-TERM solution to my problem.  I’m still hoping for a thyroid problem which would explain to everyone around me (mostly my family) that YES I DO WORK HARD and I DO WATCH WHAT I EAT but I don’t get the results I want because there is something wrong with me.  Frankly, even without a thyroid problem, I didn’t do myself any favors with the years of starving/binging/abusing diet pills.  I’m paying a hefty (pun intended) price for those excesses. 

Today, however, I feel positive.  I’m trying to hang on to that.  I’m tired of being miserable.  I’m not willing to starve to achieve those old results, but I’m willing to do a lot to achieve “better”. 

Best of all, I didn’t pass out when they drew blood.