I’ve been enjoying Helena’s gratitude posts and was thinking I should probably do the same, but I’ve been too busy.  I’m in a phase in my life where there is no fiction on my bedside table; it’s all self-help books and psychology.  Between reading about marital issues and bipolar stuff, fiction has been tossed by the wayside. 

One of the common themes in these books is recognizing the things that are good, and focusing on gratitude.  I’ve always been terrible with gratitude with regard to myself; I rarely see the good in myself or what I do.  I’m much better with others.  I’m constantly thankful for my family, my close friends, those random strangers who make my life bearable when it feels unbearable.  I’ve always hated affirmations.  Nothing seems quite so contrived as telling yourself “Hey baby, you are beautiful inside and out!” and giving yourself the double thumbs up. I do, however, believe that negative self-talk is destructive.  I’m actively working on stopping the stream of words that happen as soon as I look in the mirror or someone is perceived as treating me badly (I tell myself I deserved it). It’s undermining my self-confidence, already seriously lacking these days.

I will admit that I am giving myself a break before I beat myself up about having no self-confidence (anyone else see the irony there?).  I’ve had a number of things happen over the last 6 months that have not only beaten my self-worth - it’s been more like a gang rape followed by a dragging behind a monster truck over sand and gravel.  I’m feeling a bit raw.  I figure now is as good a time as any to start my new mission. 

Today I’m grateful for the eight tenths of a pound I lost.  I’m grateful for the Daily Grind in Short Pump, because the owner lets me work here every day and is paying me in Chai Lattes for managing his twitter account.  I’m grateful for my NaNo buddies who meet me sporadically and kick me when I need a boost to keep on writing.  I’m grateful to Lily and Arden for making me laugh about something ridiculous every day.  I’m grateful for the twitter people who send me messages all day long if they don’t hear from me.  I’m grateful for my old Maya’s Mom clan, who continue to call me and write me sarcastic notes that make me crack up. 

I have been dreading Thanksgiving, to the point where I have refused to think about it.  It’s the first major holiday where Mike and I will be doing separate things.  It feels very real, and in a way, that’s good.  We both need to deal with the reality of our situation.  I also need a dose of it to see what separation really feels like, since we’ve been having a faux separation by living in the same house together.  Mike will be spending Thanksgiving with his sisters; the girls will most likely spend some of the day with him, and most likely spend other parts of the day with me and my parents.  I’m not cooking this year.  I’m not up for it and I’d rather not deal with anything that reeks of familiarity.  I’m really trying hard to be grateful about my Thanksgiving, because there are always good things even in the middle of a shit sandwich. 

I’m also really, really grateful for the readers who visit here, especially the ones who don’t know me personally and come of their own free will instead of feeling like they have to.  All of your notes, messages, and comments mean the world to me.