Arden is officially walking. She does it more than crawling, so I figure it’s safe to say that she is walking now. She looks a lot like Hayden did when he first started - a big frankenstein with stiff arms that are bent upward for protection. It’s very funny looking but I think we’re all relieved that she has passed this particular milestone. Or at least I am.

Both girls had a good day. Arden walked all over Judi’s and Lily got to do a lot of Arts and Crafts, her all time favorite past-time.

I, on the other hand, in the words of the inimitable Bill Pilc - NOT SO MUCH. I don’t have days very often where I really and honestly consider quitting. Back in the days when I worked for others, I had those thoughts at least once a month. Being in my position means that 98% of the time I’m really happy with my career choice, the work is very fulfilling, and even sometimes I think we might be impacting people’s lives in a positive way.

By signing a lease, and dumping money, time and effort into our space, we are committed. I can’t just up and quit. Neither can Jennifer. When we have bad days, we have to stick it out.

I think I’m just sad tonight about a lot of things. I’m in a difficult situation with a client and I don’t like it. Things were said today that made me feel really, really badly at a very deep level. It’s not about hurt feelings. I just really felt alone today and I asked myself why I needed to care at the level I apparently do.

I am jealous of people who work and at the end of the day, leave their feelings and problems behind like an empty and unnecessary briefcase. I have never been able to do that. There is very little division between “work” and “not work”. I don’t compartmentalize. In some ways, that’s why I’m good at what I do. I’m passionate and dedicated and I have a lot of energy and drive for my work. It’s also truly my Achilles Heel. I don’t want to be this invested in anything other than my family. That’s the truth. However, if I go that route, my work quality will suffer.

When Jennifer went through her horrible pregnancy scare, and then the Sophia scare once she was born, it was the first time since my own pregnancy problems that I really didn’t get two flips about work or everyone else’s problems. I remember someone calling me on my cell phone after finding out Jennifer’s labor was going to be induced and thinking, “I am supposed to feel like I need to respond to this. I am supposed to do something with the information I’m being given. And you know what? I really could care less.” Clients could have cussed me out, told me I had no integrity or ethics (the two things that really upset me), fired me, or refused to pay me. During those few weeks, I really would not have cared. When I had Lily and had all the issues with nursing, I remember telling a client who had the audacity (and daring, I might add) to call me at home 2 weeks after giving birth (and yes, they wanted me to do some work and by the way, when are you coming BACK to work???) that I really couldn’t take work phone calls and had nothing to offer. I ended with, “I will be back at the end of January. Please don’t call me until then.”

It was a liberating moment. The client didn’t implode. The world didn’t end because a direct mail campaign wasn’t done RIGHT THAT SECOND. Jennifer tells me that I am a slave to responsiveness. She’s right. I can’t stand people wanting things from me and me not delivering - immediately. I’ve always been that way. My insistence on communicating and being responsive to a ridiculous degree are now problems for me, because clients think that’s how it’s always going to be. I think I need to adjust my work mentality at this point.

And frankly - and brutally honest as well - we get paid to give advice to our clients. In the past, if we’ve had clients who didn’t respect our advice, or only wanted us to give advice if it stroked their “I knew it already” ego, we got rid of them. We used Laura’s phrase and told them it wasn’t a “good fit” for us. I think now my big quest is to remove a bit of myself from the business without losing my passion for it. Otherwise, I’m going to keep having days like today. And I really could do without them.

I just got an e-mail from Judi with an Arden newsflash - see below.

“Halley just walked for the first time . Arden saw her, smiled at her and got up and started walking too. It’s the first time Arden walked today. Now she won’t stop.”

Halley is the child half Arden’s age (no, I’m not bitter). Anyway, whatever it takes. Apparently peer pressure works better than anything we can do!

Apparently Arden walked today for Judy - repeatedly. She even stood up without pulling herself up on anything and walked across the room. However, by the time I got there, she was done with any form of walking. To be fair, one of Judy’s youngest daycare charges decided not to sleep at all today and kept the rest of the children awake by screaming at the top of his lungs all day. Arden had a brief cat nap this morning but had been awake non-stop since 10.30 am. By the time we got home, she wanted nothing to do with anything except her cart. I decided to be smart and move the cart out of her way, thinking that if I removed what I felt was her “crutch” she’d have to walk. Nope. I put it on top of the dining room table and she made grabby hand motions at it, clung to the table and cried pitifully until Mike got home and relented.

This brings to mind a funny story that Pauline told me - Lily’s first daycare provider. I said something about how sad it must be for parents when their kids roll over, crawl, say their first word or walk when they’re not with them. She smiled and said, “It never happens here.” I didn’t get it at first and said, “How can that be?” What she meant was that she never TOLD the parents if it happened, so they could pretend in their fantasy land that their children had all of their “firsts” in front of them, in the comfort of their own home. In a way, I appreciate Judy’s honesty - she’s a no BS kind of person. If Arden is crabby, she tells me. If she drove her nuts, she tells me. And if she took her first real steps in Judy’s playroom, she’s certainly going to tell me that, too.

But back to the cart. The push cart was good for Lily, who used it long enough to get her feet under her. I’m convinced that Arden’s become dependent on it and as long as it’s around, she’d rather use that than her legs.

I also realize that whenever I get obsessive about something with my kids (like Lily’s nail biting), it’s not until I let go of it that it happens. In a few months when Arden is roaming around I’ll wonder why it was such a big deal. I think it bothers me so much for a couple of reasons. The first is that selfishly, I’m really tired of carrying her everywhere. Other people in attempts to be helpful say “At least you aren’t chasing her around.” Yep, correct. However, at this point I’d rather chase than carry. The second is that although Lily and Arden haven’t ever been physically precocious, nor have they been behind. They are always just average (tribute to Risa: when people brag to her about how smart their kids are and go on and on about them, Risa tells them her own kids are average and boring - the gushers usually get the point and shut up). Regardless, average is good. I think I’m still paranoid because so many bad things have happened to friends and acquaintance’s children that every time there is a blip I think that this is evidence of some permanent medical issue. I know that this is ridiculous but at least I come clean with my paranoia and weird thoughts. There is a lot of insanity that appears to be inherent with motherhood. Paranoia and guilt seem to always be on the top ten list of things that have changed about me since dilating to 10 centimeters.

Anyway, I’ll keep you all posted on Arden’s progress assuming there is some. Tonight, however, we bypassed our usual attempts to get her to walk and put her straight to bed sans wild rumpus. She was angry but she needed to sleep more than anything else. She is far too young to not be sleeping all day!!!

As promised, I’m posting some pictures. These are typical of a.) right before bed and b.) boring rainy afternoons when we are all cooped up in the house. I should be thankful that my children are so easily entertained - all it takes is for one of us to lie on the floor and let them jump on us - and so far, they still love it just as much today as the first time we figured out they loved to wrestle. Mike is convinced it is their favorite time of day.

I’ve also included a picture of our pterodactyl (I mean Arden) in mid-screech. She looks fairly happy in this one but the same noise comes out of her whenever Lily takes a toy away or Mike and I don’t read her mind within 10 seconds to figure out what it is she really wants. Imagine the most shrill, piercing sound and then make the sound go to “eleven” (reference Spinal Tap). That’s Arden.

Finally, I’ve included a picture of Lily and her dad in mid-wrestle. Yes, mom, I know her hair looks like a Wal-mart child. On the weekends we don’t even bother trying to tame it. Unfortunately, both children seem to have inherited the Del Bueno side of the family’s hair, which means they are relegated to a life of coarse, unmanageable and unstylable hair. Lily’s weird hair is coupled with my hair’s fineness, so it’s nearly impossible to do anything with it. Add to the fact that she gets a big kick of out removing whatever I put in her hair, and you have a picture like the one here. I still think she looks cute.

Additionally, we worked with Arden some more this evening and got her interested in walking. Judy is convinced that she can walk - but her stubborn and willful streak (she takes after her father) has coupled with her desire NOT to do what we want her to do. Judy tries throughout the day to encourage her to walk, and Arden gives her the stare and throws her arms up in the air, along with an ear-piercing shriek that very clearly says, “Why in the hell should I walk, when you fools will carry me everywhere???” We had her walking 4-5 steps from Mike to me and back about 10 times tonight while Lily watched. Baby steps . . . literally. Have I mentioned how badly I want her to walk?

Everything else is going along. I’m still burned out from the Open House, but in a good way. I’ve been working on a business plan for the company and it has helped re-energize me about the company. I go through phases where I am excited about what Jennifer and I do, usually followed by a phase where all I seem to do is work on things that drive me crazy. Thankfully there has been little of that. Sharing space with 3 other creative people has really helped as well. Someone is always throwing out one crazy idea or another. Eventually we may even act on some of them.

Arden took three or four steps today, more than once. Usually it was from her daddy to her grandpa, amid hoots and hollers and a lot of clapping and telling her how awesome she was. Anything we can do to encourage her to “put her landing gear down”, as Judi says, we do. The clapping seemed to help and she went back and forth between the two a number of times. She has taken a few steps before with no help, but infrequently and for very short distances. We hope this is the beginning of some new developments for Arden because Mike and I really need a break from carrying her around with us everywhere. My right arm is twice as strong as my left.

We had a nice and active weekend. Saturday Grammy and I took Lily to see Curious George. She liked it, but wasn’t feeling 100% since waking Mike and I up at 3 AM because she had barfed all over herself and her bed. She had some nice diarrhea to go with it but rebounded quickly. Mike and I went out with the Yeagers and the Bereikas on Saturday night. I’d never been to a Cheesecake Factory before, and it was really tasty. Of course I was extremely hungry and buzzed by the time we actually got our food, but I don’t think that made much of a difference. We braved the “snowstorm” Richmond received and went out to dinner despite all the hype and the clearing of Ukrops shelves for bread and milk. A number of people were out besides us as we still had to wait for an hour to get a table. The boys all told ridiculous college stories and the girls laughed and drank. It was a really nice break for us - and I think I can say for the rest of them. All of us have been working hard, and needed a night out, especially Tim and Sara.

Today the girls played inside and looked at the snow and after naptime we went to Grammy and Grampa’s for a change of scenery. Steve and Katie met us out for dinner and Arden enjoyed piercing the entire restaurant’s eardrums.

I’ve got some new pictures of Arden and Lily to post from the weekend, but I don’t feel like going downstairs to do it, so you can look forward to that later on in the week. In the meantime Mike and I are busying cheering for Shaun White during the Olympics.