It finally happened. Lily’s level of comfort with her teachers has enabled her to now have full-blown temper tantrums. Yesterday she decided not to use her “listening ears”, so Ms. Allen told her to listen up and come outside with the rest of her group. She decided to stiffen her entire body, hold her hands out in front of her (she looks like a zombie or frankenstein when she does this), shake and scream at the top of her lungs. Ms. Allen wrote me a note at the bottom of her daily sheet about Lily having a fit . . . she handled it like a champ, however, and handed Lily a tissue, told her to get it together, and when she stopped crying to join the rest of her class outside. Lately her tantrums don’t last very long, especially when ignored, and she was back to her normal, cheerful, listening-ears-on self in a few minutes.

I felt bad for Ms. Allen, however - she just got married and returned from her honeymoon. Her first day back and it was truly back to reality. Nothing removes all the relaxation of vacations like a screaming 3 year old. I’m sure she wasn’t the only child to have a tantrum yesterday . . .

I’m trying to convince Mike to let me buy a digital camera so I can be better about posting pictures on the blog. I always forget when I send them away to be developed - and then I have to remember to bring them to work, scan them, and upload them. I may have been converted to the digital age - we’ll wait and see. Maybe I’ll ask him that for a joint Christmas present.

We’re going out with the Pilc’s on Friday - can’t wait - we could use some time with adults, especially after this week. I think we’re going to a gallery opening with them and dinner afterward.

Apparently Lily inherited my fear of the camera, but it’s strange, because normally she is a total ham. Today was “school picture day” and she came completely unraveled and made one of her teachers hold her hand because she was scared of the camera and the photographer. I’m sure when I get the proofs back, she’ll be tear-streaked and beet red. Poor thing!

She’s really upset about the new car and keeps telling me to give it to someone and get the gray car. How do you explain selling and trading things? She becomes very attached to things, even weird things like cars - and she doesn’t like any sort of disruption to her normal schedule. The white car is freaking her out every night when I pick her up from school and we continue to have the same discussion over and over again about why I can’t have the gray car anymore. This too shall pass. When I show her the third seat, she might change her mind about the white car - it’s a pretty cool feature.

I had an insane day today trying to get the money for the Subaru, work with Kelly to get the title for the Volvo, and try to work and answer phone calls between all of this. I didn’t accomplish half of what I needed to today, but instead of working tonight, I’m going to watch “Lost”. At least I got to see Amanda for lunch today. I haven’t seen her in ages - she used to work with me at Witt Mares but went back to law school and is now working at a large firm, waiting to see if she passed the bar (which I’ve no doubt she did on her first try). It was great catching up and NOT having a networking or business meeting at lunch. I’d sort of forgotten what it was like to relax and have friendly conversation since I haven’t had lunch with Jennifer in months - and she’s usually the only non-work lunch person I see.

Speaking of, I saw a bunch of people in Carytown today going to a 9.30 yoga class, and it occurred to me that since I work full-time, I should stop denying myself the ability to work out or take classes. As soon as I get some time I’m going to check out the schedule and start taking a pilates or yoga class at least once a week during the day. I can always go back to the office and change. I realize I need some stress relief and god knows my body needs the workout.

So much has happened with the girls over the past few days, I don’t know where to begin and I will probably forget to mention something, but I’ll give it a shot.

Lily got in trouble last week for not “wearing her listening ears” and chatting through the entire naptime. She actually managed to keep some of the other kids (who still take naps - what an amazing thing) awake talking about everything under the sun. I believe this happened on “HAT DAY”. She has a watermelon hat and loves it so much she slept in it that night. I’m sure she was a bit warm, but whatever makes her happy. Arden got in trouble for screeching and playing with the other kids in her room during naptime as well - apparently neither of my girls are much for sleeping during the day. Judi now has to separate Arden from the others at nap time because she has such a jolly ole time clucking and screeching and tossing toys from her crib into the floor. She thinks she’s hilarious.

We had a nice weekend - Gramp was here with his friend Sybil, and the girls behaved for the most part and actually let Gramp hold them and read to them. Saturday afternoon we went to Matt’s 7th birthday party and both girls enjoyed the Moonbounce thing that Christine had rented. Arden liked it almost more than Lily - even when she did face plants. Matt and Hayden were good cousins and bounced her without getting too close to her or crushing her head. Lily laughed and bounced her brains out. On Sunday she asked me if we could go to Matt’s birthday party again - I had difficulty explaining the concept of birthdays coming once per year.

Work might be leveling off a little bit now that I’ve been working full time for nearly a month. I think I might be catching up and becoming more proactive. Either that, or something major has fallen through the cracks and I just can’t remember what it is. Mike worked last night and I finished painting the laundry room. Sara got me on a serious organizational kick and I can’t seem to get enough of cleaning and storing and buying all sorts of baskets and organizational trinkets. It is a phase, I’m sure, and will pass, but in the meantime the house looks good.

Don’t know if I reported this earlier but Lily is up to 24 pounds, which is still tiny but a huge breakthrough to us. We felt like she was hovering between 22-23 pounds for years, and getting to the 24 pound mark was very exciting for us. Arden weighs close to 17 pounds now and has a very healthy appetite to go along with her single tooth (no sight of tooth #2 yet).

Mike took me to Bookbinder’s on Friday night for our anniversary. It was delicious and wonderful, mostly because we didn’t have the kids with us. We had a long chat about everything and nothing, savored our food, and wound our way slowly back to home. The girls stayed with Aunt Loie and were very well-behaved. We stopped by Jennifer and Troy’s house to drop off some baby stuff. It was the first time Mike had seen Sophia - he couldn’t believe how tiny she was. You just have to see it to believe it - pictures don’t do her justice. She looks really good and is starting to fill out, as well as depriving her parents of sleep whenever possible. That’s my girl!

It’s been quite a month plus. Between Jennifer in the hospital on bed rest, and then having her baby girl at 31 weeks, a couple of trips, the horrifically terrible 2 phase that Lily is in, and two sets of ear infections for both girls, plus a yucky cold for me, I’ve been barely hanging on.

I go full time next week - starting after Labor Day. The decision was made much easier for me when the director of Lily’s new school told me it was full-time or no-time. Since I’ve been on the waiting list for that school for over 2 years now, I figured I’d better grab a slot when there was an opening. It worked out well as Jennifer’s real maternity leave will start when baby Sophia comes home from the NICU.

However, on nights like these, I can barely look in the mirror. I know all mothers constantly second-guess themselves and feel guilty no matter what they do, but it doesn’t make my own struggle any easier. The few days I am with Lily and Arden, I am nearly insane by the time Mike gets home, due to Lily’s penchant for temper tantrums at the drop of a hat (or by me doing something accidentally for her that I should apparently know better than to do). Then I wonder if she would have these temper tantrums if I was home full-time with her. And then I reflect on what Risa said - that being a part-time mom and part-time worker is harder than full-time anything. I think I might agree finally. The days I’m home with them, my cell phone rings, emergencies happen, and the fact of the matter is, clients could care less that my kids aren’t in daycare on Mondays and Fridays. It wasn’t such a big deal when Jennifer was around - she shielded me on those days and took anything that blew up - but she’s not there and calls have to be answered. This weekend in Pinehurst I didn’t check email from Friday afternoon til Monday evening. I had 67 emails. Only a few were spam. It was overwhelming. I sat there and cried and felt sorry for myself and wondered how I was ever going to dig myself out of the hole of work and motherhood I’m in.

I know part of it is simply that I have too much work to do, and it is taking over my life. I know that this is only temporary, and that I just have to suck it up and deal with it. I also know that Lily will eventually leave this phase she’s in, and hopefully we will both survive until that happy day. I never knew how much stress a 2 year old could place on you. I also never knew how much I could love someone until I had kids. The combination of huge, throbbing love plus the complete maniacal-mother-button-pushing that Lily does makes me exhausted by the end of the day. I looked down at her tonight as she screamed at the top of her lungs while sitting on the “potty” and saw myself. I wondered how my mother ever survived it, and forgive her for all the times she completely lost it and started to scream back. The other night Lily’s temper tantrum was so bad, and so long, that I actually started crying out of frustration. That freaked her out - she actually stopped and kissed me. So maybe I need to cry more often!

Arden, on the other hand, continues to be sweet-natured and fairly easy going. She gave up baby food this weekend, even though she has no teeth. She will have nothing to do with it and seems to do fine just gumming all the small pieces we cut up for her to death. I am trying to get over any choking paranoia. She’s still only about 15 pounds so she’ll be small, like Lily. Her appetite however is much better than her big sister’s, so maybe there’s a chance she’ll overtake Lily and be of normal height! Lily is still only 23 pounds. She’s been that weight forever, it seems.

After screwing up the company checking account today and nearly hitting a street person who was limping across Franklin Street today (accidentally of course), I picked up the kids. Lily had a temper tantrum before I even got her in the car and that one lasted about 20 minutes. We have a rule that before bed, she has to try to use the potty. “Trying” means that she has to sit on the potty without screaming and crying and try. If she doesn’t have to go, fine - if she does, even better. We had a tantrum about this a few weeks ago - Battle of the Wills Part I - and I won that time. I thought we were over it. Nope - she decided she wouldn’t go and spent 30 minutes literally screaming her head off, kicking at me, throwing her stuffed animal in the toilet, ripping the toilet paper off the roll and shredding it, and throwing herself off the toilet. At one point she was jumping up and down on the toilet seat and got her leg pinched between her Dora potty cover and the regular seat. That caused an even bigger tantrum. This was after about 30 minutes of calm. Prior to temper tantrum #3, we had an issue about getting out of the car. She wanted me to carry her and I couldn’t because I was carrying Arden. She refused to walk in the house, so I let her scream for a bit in the garage (the neighbors must hate me). When I went back to get her, she took off running - straight into the road!!! I finally caught up with her and she refused to walk. I still had Arden under one arm and was basically trying to drag/pull Lily into the house. I slipped going in through the door, hit Arden on the hit with the doorframe accidentally, and stepped on Lily’s foot. If it hadn’t been me, it would have been hilarious.

I had become “that woman”. The one you hear screaming at her kids in Wal-Mart or the grocery store. The neighbor with kids that are always screaming at the top of their lungs, “NO, I WON’T!!!!!!!!!!” or “GET AWAY!” Yes, that’s me these days.

I’m just down these days - and I know I’ll get over it. Lily will get older and learn to express things better than simply screaming “AHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHH! AHHHHH!!!” over and over again (usually while enclosed in a small space like a car). Arden will begin to walk so my back won’t feel like it’s being split in half. The time I spend with my kids when I go full-time will be quality time as opposed to quantity. I won’t answer my cell phone and hopefully I won’t have to work as much at night. And maybe someday soon I won’t feel like I’m about to have a full-blown panic attack about my business!

June 23, 2005

Arden has yet to crawl, but she’s getting there. Her new trick is to get on her hands and knees and rock herself back and forth - sometimes she even manages to move herself forward by sheer momentum. She thinks she’s the bomb when she does it, and the rocking is usually followed by lots of giggling and screeching.

Lily loves her new school and has been spending plenty of the time in the pool there. She starts official swim lessons the first week of July and according to the instructors there, she’ll be swimming underwater by the end of the second week. O-kay! I’m looking forward to that so I am not constantly worrying about her drowning.

She’s a trip these days. Actually, they both are. Lily usually puts herself to sleep by talking to herself. This includes lengthy repetitions of all the key phrases she has heard during the day, including comments from my mother, like: “Lily, big girls go on the potty. If you can’t make peepee on the potty, you’ll be wearing diapers forever. Lily, don’t make your poochie in your pants - call Grammy and Grammy will put you on the potty.” Or the other day, obviously from something she heard in school: “Andrew, no pushing or shoving! Put your walking feet on - we don’t run by the pool. Don’t tear the pages out of the books!” It’s just hilarious to hear her talking about all the things we said to her during the day. And also frightening how much she recalls.

I’ve been working a lot and trying to recover from my surgery. It’s taking longer than I had thought, especially after going to my last visit with the doctor and finding out that technically I shouldn’t be lifting any more than 15 pounds for 8 WEEKS!!! Hello! No one told me that prior to surgery. Note to readers: Arden weighs 15 pounds, 3 ounces . . . and that’s without being strapped to the infant carrier, which I swear weighs 10 pounds without anything in it. I’m just going to lift what I think I can handle and deal with it. Either that, or starve both children so that I get them below the 15 pound limit!