Today, in my usual clearing of the SPAM folder, I had this little nugget:

To:  Me
From:  Aparis Rinehart
Subject:  Your throbbing missile is ready to fire

Ever wanted a larger longer tool?
(gratuitous link to some random foreign site removed)

—————————————————————————————————

Actually, YES! You’re right!  I have wanted a larger, longer tool. Especially when digging in the backyard and being so short that I can’t reach the back of the gardening beds.  Or, a longer hammer - the better to reach those nails with.  I mean seriously, are people REALLY buying enough throbbing missile aids that it pays the spammers to keep spamming?

This subject line, however, is up in my top 10 favorites. 

I know most of you have had experiences with online support chats - usually with someone who speaks English as a second language, or has the personality of a very basic robot.  Amanda is a friend of mine, and she forwarded me a transcript of her significant other’s chat with Dell online support.  I was laughing so hard I nearly fell out of my chair, and was gasping for breath at the end of it.  If only I had the cajones to say some of the things Travis says . . . but alas, I do not, and have to live vicariously through his wit and cunning.  I received permission to share this with the world wide web (all 5 of you that read my blog).  Identifying details have been removed to protect the innocent.  (*note: Travis is actually quite the uber-computer-geek and probably knows way more than the poor innocent Rejin at Dell Chat Support.  He also works for some big computer company, which would explain Travis’s helpful comment about buying from his company to speed up their service.) 

This is an automated email sent from Dell Chat. The following information is a log of your session. Please save the log for your records.
*Your session ID for this incident is 17297853.*
Time Details
02/13/2008 04:13:17PM Session Started with Agent (Rejin_165155)
02/13/2008 04:13:24PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Thank you for contacting Dell XPS Premium Support. My name is Rejin and my rep ID number is 165155. How may I help you today?”
02/13/2008 04:13:56PM Travis: “I have a XPS 1330 that recently stopped displaying video from the integrated LCD panel”
02/13/2008 04:14:22PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “I sincerely apologize for the inconvenience, Travis.”
02/13/2008 04:14:35PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “I’ll be glad to assist you. Please allow me 2 to 3 minutes to pull up your account information.  In the meantime, may I have the phone number(s) to reach you to update
our records?”
02/13/2008 04:14:56PM Travis: “xxx.xxx.xxxx”
02/13/2008 04:15:27PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Thank You for the information.”
02/13/2008 04:15:33PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “When did this issue begin?”
02/13/2008 04:16:17PM Travis: “It started happening sporadically about 2 weeks ago, now it’s consistant, has been for three days.”
02/13/2008 04:16:38PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Are we chatting on the same system?”
02/13/2008 04:16:54PM Travis: “No…I don’t get video from that system.”
02/13/2008 04:17:19PM Travis: “I, for some reason, haven’t memorized the system well enough to operate it blind.”
02/13/2008 04:17:35PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Did you try connecting an external monitor to the system?”
02/13/2008 04:17:51PM Travis: “With no success.”
02/13/2008 04:18:21PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Did you run the PSA test on the LCD screen?”
02/13/2008 04:18:40PM Travis: “Nope.”
02/13/2008 04:18:43PM Travis: “Never heard of it.”
02/13/2008 04:19:23PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “The PSA test is the Pre-boot Self Assessment test.”
02/13/2008 04:19:43PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “It is used to test the hardware for all the Dell laptops.”
02/13/2008 04:19:55PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Is the laptop near you?”
02/13/2008 04:20:08PM Travis: “Not at the moment. I had to leave it at home this morning.”
02/13/2008 04:20:15PM Travis: “How do I launch the test?”
02/13/2008 04:20:18PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Okay.”
02/13/2008 04:21:00PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “We need to turn the system ON and hit F12 on the Dell logo.”
02/13/2008 04:21:28PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “We will reach the one time boot menu screen, there select Diagnostics and the PSA test will begin.”
02/13/2008 04:21:42PM Travis: “I guess I can just mash the F12 button after turning it on..but I won’t be able to see any output from the test, much less the Dell logo.”
02/13/2008 04:22:14PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “If you are able to see the Dell logo, then you will be able to see the test.”
02/13/2008 04:22:21PM Travis: “....”
02/13/2008 04:22:39PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “However, tell me did this issue begin after the system falling down or anything like that?”
02/13/2008 04:22:47PM Travis: “I’m not able to see the Dell logo, as it is supplied by the video output..which I don’t have.”
02/13/2008 04:23:10PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Did you check the safe mode?”
02/13/2008 04:23:21PM Travis: “I didn’t drop it.”
02/13/2008 04:23:30PM Travis: “I can’t see safe mode.”
02/13/2008 04:23:36PM Travis: “I can’t see anything.”
02/13/2008 04:23:44PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Okay.”
02/13/2008 04:25:20PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Did you install any video card?”
02/13/2008 04:25:30PM Travis: “Nope.”
02/13/2008 04:25:48PM Travis: “Just to help you out, I didn’t uninstall the video card either.”
02/13/2008 04:25:58PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Okay.”
02/13/2008 04:26:42PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Please allow me 2-3 minutes to pull up my resources.”
02/13/2008 04:27:00PM Travis: “Follow your heart Rejin.”
02/13/2008 04:28:34PM Travis: “And if it takes 2-3 minutes to load your support assests you may want to consider updating your system.  I work for a HPC company, we could probably help you out with that.”
02/13/2008 04:29:05PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Thank you for the time and concern, Travis.”
02/13/2008 04:29:33PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “The integrated Intel video card of the system might have gone bad.”
02/13/2008 04:29:44PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “We would need to check it with the PSA test.”
02/13/2008 04:30:11PM Travis: “It may have, but I’m using the NVIDIA 8400GS modules.”
02/13/2008 04:30:14PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “This test can be initiated by pressing and holding the Fn key and then pressing the power key.”
02/13/2008 04:30:16PM Travis: “module*”
02/13/2008 04:30:54PM Travis: “A’right”
02/13/2008 04:31:31PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “The test will ask you questions about the display, you need to answer them.”
02/13/2008 04:31:58PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Travis, when you turn the system ON, does all the lights on the laptop turn ON?”
02/13/2008 04:32:04PM Travis: “I’ll do that and…I guess look at the blank screen and just assume my proplem is being fixed through the magic of transistors and gigglehertz.”
02/13/2008 04:32:24PM Travis: “Thanks Rejin, you’ve been a real sweetheart.”
02/13/2008 04:33:01PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “My pleasure Travis, tell me about the LEDS on the laptop please.”
02/13/2008 04:33:11PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Does the lights glow?”
02/13/2008 04:33:42PM Travis: “Yes, they do illuminate. Like Christmas.”
02/13/2008 04:33:52PM Travis: “It’s a beautiful thing Rejin.”
02/13/2008 04:34:27PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Yes, it surely is.”
02/13/2008 04:34:49PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Do you want me to give you a call back tomorrow at the same time to check on the issue?”
02/13/2008 04:35:22PM Travis: “I’ll just call in later when I have the machine in front of me. I wouldn’t want to take up anymore of your time.”
02/13/2008 04:35:52PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “That will be good, Travis.”
02/13/2008 04:36:13PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Before I provide you the case number, is there anything else that I may help you with your computer?”
02/13/2008 04:36:21PM Travis: “That’ll do it.”
02/13/2008 04:37:03PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Are you satisfied with the information provided to you today?”
02/13/2008 04:37:16PM Travis: “Oh, VERY much.”
02/13/2008 04:38:03PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Also, please use the link which I’m sending you to help you start the PSA and get the results.”
02/13/2008 04:38:14PM Agent (Rejin_165155) sends page
02/13/2008 04:38:29PM Travis: “k”
02/13/2008 04:38:38PM Travis: “Seeya Rej. xoxoxo”
02/13/2008 04:38:49PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Bye, Travis.”
02/13/2008 04:38:54PM Agent (Rejin_165155): “Good Night.”
02/13/2008 04:39:09PM Session Ended

Jennifer and I dropped the option to pay with Express American on both sites yesterday.  Why?  Because although we had been warned by merchants everywhere that AMEX is only there for their cardholders, we just couldn’t really believe it until experiencing it ourselves.

Not that they care.  We feel like we spend a lot of money with them, but they just don’t care about the amount of money we process through them.  And if we lose some business due to not accepting the card, well, that’s what we have to deal with. 

I don’t have the patience or the interest in rehashing the whole situation.  Basically someone stole an AMEX cardholder’s card number, and ordered a bunch of merchandise on two separate orders from us.  We shipped it to a different address than the billing address. This is very common - many people buy gifts on our site and have them shipped directly to the recipient.  In the 120 pages of fine print AMEX sends to merchants to read when setting up an account, they apparently told us that they only will protect us if we ship to the billing address.  We can’t do that.  Who would pay for items to be shipping to themselves, just so they could turn around and ship it back out again? 

AMEX doesn’t care about our business model or that our store sells primarily items that are gifted to someone else.  They just saw that a cardmember’s number had been stolen, it came from us, and even though we provided information and backup out the wazoo to support our case, they dinged us for the full amount.  So now we are out the merchandise and the money. 

What made me the most upset?  I know you’re dying to hear.  What made me the most upset was that when I asked what they were going to do to go after the person who stole the cardnumber, they said they can’t or won’t do anything. It’s our responsibility, in Richmond VA, to go after some freak in Allen, Texas.  When I tried to report to Yahoo that one of their email addresses was being used to buy merchandise fraudently, a robot responded to my email with something about subpeonas.  Is ANYONE listening???  Does anyone care?

People want to know why identity theft and stolen cards are so rampant. Here’s the answer:  because none of the big companies with the money and resources to do something about it care.  Who is eating the cost of fraud and con artists? The small merchants who pay hefty monthly service charges for the pleasure of accepting credit cards, and fees on every transaction.  We make them rich.  In turn, when it’s time for them to step up and fight for us - they do nothing.  And what can you do as a merchant, really?  We can afford not to accept AMEX.  But we’d be out of business if we tried to get away from Visa or Mastercard.

Jennifer and I are going to go after the person or persons who did this.  We aren’t going to spend a ton of time or money on it, since we don’t have it, and on a happy note, we’ve buffed up our site’s security measures now and we are entirely paranoid, which is a good thing.  Tracy’s going to hook us up with a friend of hers from the Richmond Police Department.  As she so eloquently put it, “We’re going to nail that bitch.”  I love you, Tracy.

I just felt compelled to say that there is some kind of racket going on here. It’s so complicated and so messed up that I don’t have the time, energy or brain power to figure out just HOW screwed up this all is. I just know it’s not right.  All these credit card companies who talk about fighting identity theft want us to fight it by paying insurance for monthly fees for protection.  No one is going after the real issue.  At the end of the day, the credit card companies end up with more money.  And I’m pissed about it. 

This is all hypothetical, of course.

You’re a wealthy woman, with a couple of kids. One of them is nearing 4, and needs a nap mat.  You hop on your spiffy new iBook and browse the internet and happen upon a store selling such cute nap mats.  You decide to buy 6 of them. 

This internet store scrambles around, because your order coincides with the PEAK of nap mat season.  Internet store is happy that receive a nice big order for a woman that apparently has six children.  They send you happy notes through email and beat on their manufacturers to MAKE.NAPMATS.FASTER.  Must provide all six to you immediately.  You receive your six nap mats about one week later. 

While sipping your nonfat latte, you spread all six nap mats out in the family room, yell at the labradoodle to get the heck off them, and call your 4 year old.  She trots in.  You tell her you’ve ordered six nap mats, and she is to pick out her favorite.  She goes through all of them, and decides on her favorite.  She drags it off into her bedroom, probably complaining that it doesn’t have Princesses on it. 

You package the other 5 nap mats up, write a short and sweet note to the internet store that sold you the six nap mats, telling them that you wanted your 4 year old to be able to PICK her favorite out up close and personal. You pay another $30 to ship the 5 back, and wait for your sizeable refund. 

The owners of the internet store politely refund your money, even though they want to hunt you down and beat you.  They are so thrilled that your 4 year old was able to pick her favorite nap mat, especially after they shipped you six nap mats at their cost, badgered 3 different manufacturers to MAKE.NAPMATS.FASTER.  But you don’t care.  Hey, at least you sent them back at your expense. 

Those same owners wonder if they are just mean mothers because they don’t order hundreds of dollars of merchandise online to let their kids pick from in the safety and comfort of their home.  They decide that they aren’t mean.  Just practical. 

Again, all theoretical, of course. 

Yesterday, I picked the girls up at preschool as I normally do.  Getting them out of the building and into the car in one piece is difficult - usually one of them wants to run pell-mell into the parking lot without looking, or is having a tantrum and wants to be carried, or is literally sitting on the sidewalk sniffing the petunias because they are so “pretty”.  I usually open Lily’s door first because she can climb into her car seat and even buckle herself in.  I leave the door open because she likes to shut it herself and because it was close to 98 degrees out yesterday.  I then open Arden’s door, help her in, and buckle her up.  I am usually commanded to fetch any number of toys, most likely that have fallen way under the seat and this requires me to kneel in the parking lot and feel around for whatever the toy of the moment is.

I pride myself on my competence and efficiency in terms of getting the girls in and out of the car.  Usually I can accomplish these things in under 2 minutes.  However, yesterday as I was leaning over buckling Arden in to her seat, I hear a short car horn.  I ignored it, thinking it was someone trying to get someone’s attention. Then I hear a LONGER car horn.  I finish up what I’m doing, and stand up to close the door. I see a large minivan blocking me in, and a woman making “hurry up” hand gestures toward me. 

Folks, let me tell you - I was about as close to using the F word in front of my kids and a whole parking lot full of other people’s children as I’ve ever been. I closed Arden’s door and went over to Lily’s, quickly checked that she was buckled in properly, closed her door, then stood aside so Ms. Frantic Pants could get into the parking spot next to my car.  Did I mention that there were NUMEROUS parking spots right near her that didn’t require her to wait for me?

As she exited her car, I told myself to calm down and breath and not kill her in front of my children.  She walked by and said, “Oh, I didn’t see that you were putting your daughter in.”  Apparently my huge ass sticking out of the passenger side door wasn’t enough of a visual clue that I was actually there, buckling my children. And if this was true, who was she honking at?  My kids?  Yes, woman, I leave my kids buckled into their car seats in sweltering heat with BOTH DOORS open while I chat inside the air conditioned comfort of preschool!!!  I took another deep breath and said, “Yes, unlike you, I have TWO children to get in and I go as fast as possible. I’m sorry it inconvenienced you.”  She just kept on walking. 

I think what took me off guard is that another mother, with kids at the same school as mine, and who has obviously experienced the PITA factor that car seats today entail, chose to gesture rudely and HONK at me because I wasn’t going fast enough!  This, while I’m sweating and panting, with handfuls of school papers and artwork, and she sits in her freakin’ minivan with the a/c blasting and parking spots all around her.  I guess I thought that motherhood means you understand?  That you are supposed to get what each other are going through?  Apparently not. 

So for those of you with or without kids who get frustrated at how long it may or may not take someone to get their kids in and out of places - give us a break, please. We are going as fast as we can, and usually that’s not all that fast, considering children when rushed move slower than a glacier.