I had a major, massive, incredible workout today. I broke some rules at the Y by hogging a machine for an hour and a half (and before you get all “HEY DUDE, 45 minutes is the time limit” on me, I got permission from one of the trainers). I’ve been trying to complete a 20 mile ride on the Expresso bikes. 20 miles isn’t all that bad, but the first 12 are uphill - gahhhhh. Anyway, after 90 minutes I made it! I was literally soaking wet and barely able to walk, but I still felt pretty good. I picked up the girls, silently praying they’d be nice and not have a fight because I had zero energy with which to deal (that’s what happens when you burn 880 calories).
We got into the car, and Lily asked me, “Mommy, why do you have to work out?” A million sarcastic responses flitted through my mind, but thankfully my mouth filter was engaged and I said none of them.
“Because it’s healthy for me, just like you work out at Little Gym and on the playground. Also, I’m trying to lose a little weight.”
A millisecond later, Lily started to make the weird sniffling/snorting noise she makes before she fake-cries. “But Mommy!!! I don’t want you to be thin! I want you to stay exactly the way you are, RIGHT NOW!!!” Arden joined in the conversation with this little ditty: “Yeah, Mommy, I would not like to hug you if you were thin.”
So all I need to do, really, is fill the world with clones of my children, and stay just the way I am. Chocolate Peanut Butter Ice Cream from Gelati Celesti, here I come.
I will post about the other things I promised - yes, I will, but not today.
Today was a day when I questioned my ability to survive parenthood. I’m sure we all have those days - you know, the ones where you think you will literally keel over and die of a combination of embarassment, hand-wringing and exhaustion. I don’t need to share the gross details. I will share the highlights by first stating that because of swim lessons this week, the girls are tired. TIRED. Today they had swim lessons followed immediately with dance/gymnastics, so it was doubly exhausting for them. Lily did fine - she’s also 6. Arden gave me some warnings that a nuclear reactor meltdown was imminent - there was about 45 minutes of whining before the sirens blared. When the meltdown began, it was unstoppable - and it was in front of about 10 moms and all of her teachers at Little Gym. After my Love and Logic talk failed (nothing talks you out of an exhaustion-induced meltdown), we ended up outside the gym, on a bench. The noise emanating from Arden’s mouth was so loud, the physical therapy office near us closed the door and shot me a dirty look. We went to the car. It was 84 today, so I turned on the air conditioning, put her in the backseat, and thanked the engineers at Volvo for making such a soundproof car. She kicked the window. She threw her shoes. She took a piece of paper towel and ripped it into 40 tiny shreds, then threw it into the air like a confetti of rage. When I got into the car, she screamed, “I’m MAD AT YOU MOMMY!” which is actually progress because she articulated her feelings.
45 minutes later, we were back on the bench and she was letting me hold her. I whispered, “I used to be like you, Arden - every little thing that didn’t go my way rocked my world. Then I discovered the magic of Zoloft that life was much better for me when I just went with it. Not everything will go your way. But to fight it like this - and be so angry - all it does is land you in a lot of time outs.” While I talked, she stroked my arm, like she was comforting the child I used to be. It was pretty sweet, despite my complete frustration with the situation.
So she missed her class, but she was contrite - and I did survive.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Later, I went to a birthday dinner for Lily’s teacher. Some other moms were there, including one who has son enrolled at Little Gym. She told me a funny story about her son saying that he was going to be at the same function as Lily, but . . . “Oh man, Lily’s bringing her little sister, and that girl is OUT. OF. CONTROL.” This boy is 6!!! We all laughed, ho ho ho, it’s funny, but then it started to bug me. True, the staff at LG has never mentioned an issue with Arden’s behavior, and believe me, I ask - and secondly, this kid is 6, but I was kind of shocked at how much this “funny” story bugged me. Earlier Arden’s teacher at preschool told me she was really working with Arden on talking nicely to her friends -she tends to get impatient when the younger kids have trouble communicating at whatever her level happens to be at the moment. I believe the quote was something along the lines of “Arden was shouting at C_ to ‘spit it out’ and finish his sentence”. Again, I think a prison warden career path might be suitable for the ole Arden.
So yeah. Today was hard. I have given birth to myself, which is creepy, and under the frustration is a deep empathy for Arden. I remember clearly the rages, how it felt to lose control, and how hopeless and unloveable I felt when I had an issue. At one point she said, “No one will ever like me,” and that broke my heart. The rub with Arden is that most LOVE her. Her sense of humor, her affectionate nature, and her ability to make a party anywhere at anytime serve her well. She’s either the brightest sun or the most frightening storm. This huge black/white dichotomy reeks of, well, me. Life is so much easier on those who adapt and are flexible. Although many people say that Lily is so much like me in looks, Arden really is more like me in personality. That means she probably has a hard road ahead of her, and the best I can do is to try to smooth out the bumps.
Love and Logic works, if consistently applied. I’ve been having great success with it, but right now I am experiencing the thing I feared the most.
Arden missed snacktime today.
She wouldn’t come downstairs. I told her she had 10 minutes and explained what time on the clock that would be. After 10 minutes, snack would be removed from the table and put away.
15 minutes later, she came downstairs. Lily looked scared and said, “Mommy, is Arden going to get snack?” I told her to MYOB but in a nice way.
When Arden learned snack was gone, as promised, she freaked out. I was watering plants on the deck when she freaked, so she came outside, put her hands on her hips, and screamed - literally SCREAMED - at the top of her lungs. Then she repeated the scream in 4-second bursts until I calmly picked her up and placed her inside. I finished watering plants, then told her it was fine to scream but she needed to do it upstairs. That was 20 minutes ago. She is currently screaming her head off in her bedroom and calling for Daddy. I told her that if she kicked her door, she’d lose book privileges for the night. So far, no door kicking.
Scratch that. Door kicking just happened. No book tonight.
I feel bad for her - I hate that she isn’t getting snack - but hopefully it will only take this one time for her to realize I am dead serious and she has time limits to follow. Her favorite word is no, and she does everything when she wants. We’re slowly making progress.
She just came into my room, so I’m hoping this means she wants to be comforted. Send me earplugs - and my neighbors.
UPDATE: Arden is now on my lap, calming down. The kicking, according to her, was her feet on the wall. I said no “door kicking”, so she kicked the wall instead. I gave her a free pass for being honest with me, so she gets book tonight, but little miss smartypants now knows that any kind of kick ist verboten.
I recently won a free Jazz DV151 Digital Camcorder. Here’s what it looks like, but mine is pink:
It’s pretty cute and I thought I might remember to bring it with me more often. It was easy to use, easy to set up, and has a surprisingly sensitive mic - the only thing I don’t love is the image quality. However, for around $50 you really can’t beat the price. It’s thicker than my iPhone but about the same length, so it fits easily in my purse.
My mom was griping that I hadn’t shared any videos recently of the girls dancing, so I decided to test it out yesterday. I then used Windows Movie Maker to put them all together into one streaming video. Voila. Digital cuteness.
I'm a 40-ish (which is the new 25) mother of girls born 23 months apart. Originally hailing from the frosty throes of Northern Michigan, I now live in the humidity pit of the universe - Virginia.
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