I must be getting stronger/healthier because I used to dread the weekends.  Too much time without structure, too much time to think.  My energetic persona refused to let me be lazy, so if I wasn’t packing the weekend days full of activities for the kids, I was spending my child-free weekends running because I run, running errands, running around town, running to dates with friends.  I rarely stopped until my body and brain finally gave out and I’d pass out face down in my bed. 

My weekends are still busy but without the frenetic need to do - finish - tackle - complete.  I don’t dread the weekends anymore.  They used to remind me of how different my life is today from my life “before” - before I was separated, before I was divorced, before I had kids, just before.  Now it doesn’t take me an entire day to clean my monstrosity of a house.  I can clean my rickety old rental in less than 2 hours.  Different isn’t always bad, but different for me is always a little scary at first. 

My mom came over on Friday and we fed the kids dinner.  After, they watched a movie with her and I met a friend for dinner.  We both have kids and it seems we rarely are free at the same time, so we took advantage of babysitting and loaded up on “healthy” food (minus the buttered rolls) as we were both running the next morning.  I was home and asleep by 10.30.  The next morning, I got up and met my running group for a planned 7 miles.  The bridges were sheets of ice, but the roads were fine.  All of us managed to stay upright.  I ran with a couple of new people.  I love what running does for conversation (when I’m not racing, that is - I can’t talk and run fast at the same time).  Many times, running strips away the lengthy polite conversations and more often than not you end up talking about real things.  That might be my favorite part.  And the runner’s high I get when I’m done. 

After the run, the girls, my parents and I headed to Williamsburg to see my aunt and uncle as well as Mike, Anja, Mia and Nik.  We had a great time, especially when the kids got to swim in the bathtub-temperature water at the indoor pool.  They were exhausted Saturday night.  Sunday the three of us went to see Megamind (yeah, I know, I’m about 3 months late with that, but I found two theaters still showing it) with Sean and had dinner in Carytown.  I was pretty tired because I took advantage of the darkened theater to nap for about 30 minutes. Ooops.  Lily elbowed me and whispered, “Mommy, wake up!!!”  End nap. 

Last night I ignored laundry and work. I stretched out on the couch and watched some DVR’d episodes of my guilty pleasures.  I went to bed early.  I once again fully appreciated the glory of flannel sheets.  The marital bed never allowed for flannel; Mike was too hot.  The benefit of sleeping alone is not just having the whole bed to myself.  I get flannel, too.  Sometimes it’s the tiny benefits of divorce that keep me going. 

Maybe at some point I’ll have the energy and fearlessness needed to write about the last two weeks of my life - or really, the last six - but for now I’m taking it in tiny chunks, getting through it a paragraph at a time just like I’ve been getting through the days one hour at a time. 

In the meantime, I’ve been doing a lot of leaning.  It has mostly been against my will.  Through random coincidences and (some would say) luck, a few close friends rallied around me, feeding and watering me, reminding me of all the wonderful things my life has in it.  It has been simultaneously freeing and humiliating to be laid low enough to need - and accept - help when it is offered. 

My bestie Susan from Charlotte is flying in tomorrow.  She’ll land right as I finish up my race tomorrow.  She asked today if I wanted her to come up.  We argued back and forth for a bit.  I finally just said, “OK, come on.”  Sean texted me as I was finishing up with Jennifer and said, “I’m already on the way and I’m taking you for sushi so just tell me where to meet you.”  He knows me well enough that he put himself on the road before I had a chance to say “No really, I’m fine.”  He also hates sushi so it was doubly nice and I didn’t argue about it either.  I’m exhausted to the point that if someone wants to do something for me, then fine.  Bring it. 

I completely and utterly underestimated the sum total of 16 months of stress, anxiety, sadness, loss and mourning on me.  I underestimated that this kind of stuff has a cumulative effect and added in to the bizarro world of the holidays with none of the old familiar comforts and you have one difficult few weeks.  Insert pithy comment here about how other people’s problems always become my own because I can fix them - help them - and if I am just good enough or dedicated enough, they will eventually come around to my way of thinking.  Duh, it’s never worked in the past. It certainly doesn’t work now.  Seeing my kids struggle through the holidays was the final straw for me, really - but there were moments of pure bliss in all the sadness and weirdness.  Not for me, but for them, and that made me able to keep on truckin’. 

I struggled as I’ve been struggling for the past 2 weeks today.  I went up and down, to appointments, distractions, my house, the office, cleaning, unpacking from John and Karen’s, packing back up again for another night there. 

Oddly enough, I’m back at my house.  It’s the first time I’ve felt safe here in weeks.  I’m actually - knock wood - happy to be here. 

I’m convinced that tonight marks the beginning of a turning point for me.  I ran the Resolution Run tonight, and best of all, I ran it with my therapist and some of her friends.  My goal was to do it in less than 40 minutes.  I’m a lazy runner in that I’ve found my pace and it’s very comfortable and easy for me to run distances at that speed.  Tonight, I had to knock my pace back by a minimum of 30 seconds.  The short version of the story is that Jennifer had me running my ass off to keep up with her, and I managed to meet my goal with a little help from my friends.  I wouldn’t have made it on my own.  I don’t succeed much when trying to talk myself into running faster than I want to and no one is in front of me waving me on.  Running is a complete and blatant metaphor for my life these days, but it really struck me tonight that I have no problem leaning on my running partners for support and perhaps beating myself constantly for needing it in my personal life is a waste of energy.  It also annoys the bejesus out of the friends I do have who WANT to help. 

Tomorrow morning I’ll get up and stretch and head to southside for a 5K run.  Laura and Valentina are coming out, and Sarah and hopefully Theresa and Gina.  After I’m doing a brunch with whomever is up for brunching after getting Susan from the airport.  I’m going to enjoy having Susan all to myself before I have to share her with my kids on Monday.  Maybe one day she’ll let me do the same for her.  It’s hard to ask for help; harder to accept it. 

As for today - thanks to all those who made this day possible, bearable and at times, a lot of fun.  You know who you are. 

Happy 2011.  Good riddance 2010.  I learned a lot from you, but you were a total and complete bitch and I’m glad your time is up. 

today, i am . . .

- so glad i was able to run thanks to theresa, and so glad john and sarah made the trek to manakin to run with me. 

- proud that i was able to remove myself from a situation that wasn’t healthy for me.

- doubly proud that i truly let go of needing to control that same situation, and having faith that things will work out as they are supposed to.  normally that’s just lip service.

- excited that i am pushing my comfort zone and doing something new and different this weekend.

- grateful i have two runs this weekend; one i’m doing to push myself to beat a personal best, the other i’m running for fun. 

- thrilled the sun is out, because my brain and body needs something to lighten the mood up in this joint.

- impressed that my children are playing nicely with theresa’s sons, and ultra-impressed that they are playing nicely with each other. 

- glad to be living in richmond virginia where it will be almost 60 degrees on saturday (take that, michigan!).

- thankful that my body has withstood all the training over the past year and is stronger and healthier than it has ever been.  i may not be 100% comfortable in my skin, but i do have a healthy appreciation of what my brain and body are capable of doing. 

- especially excited that the holidays are nearly over and i can put them behind me, knowing it will probably never be this bad again. 

One of my besties has a great post up on his blog today called “The Countdown”.  It inspired me to steal his idea and write my own version. 

In case you are too lazy to read Stanley’s post, here’s the synopsis: 

It’s only November and the countdowns have already started: Thanksgiving, Christmas, Kwanza, New Year’s Eve, and the list goes on. Yet, these countdowns refer (more often than not) to how much time remains for you to accomplish your to-do list, instead of when you’ll celebrate the holiday; thus it begs the question, what do you need to accomplish before 2010 is over?

It’s probably no surprise that 2010 was a year of highs and very low lows.  My marriage imploded, the house was put on the market and finally sold amidst tons of drama and last minute financial wrangling, I moved into a very old rental house that was 2/3 smaller than the original house, my kids started a new school, i had some health issues and my kids have both been struggling in their own unique ways.  On the upside, I’m mentally stronger and healthier than I’ve ever been, mostly I’m doing fine, my businesses have survived yet another year in a crappy economy, I have some amazing friends and family, and my health issues are under control. 

This all begs the question: what do I need to finish up before 2011 begins?

First, I want to finish the half marathon.  Not only do I want to finish it, I want to enjoy it.  Before the end of the year, I will have completed:
- my first training program
- my first 10K
- my second training program for the summer
- my third training program for the half marathon
- the Run Like A Girl 8k in Richmond
- the half marathon on November 13
- the 10k Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning
- The Christmas Tree 10K on December 11
- The Resolution 4 Miler Run on New Year’s Eve

I write this all down because I really want to commit to doing them all.  For a girl who had never run, I’m excited and motivated to stay in the shape I’m in and improve. 

Secondly,  I really, really want to improve the quality of my children’s lives. I have no idea how I’m going to do this but they have been through so much change this year.  Before the end of the year I’d like to have a better visitation schedule hammered out between me and Mike.  I’d like to ensure that it injects the minimum amount of chaos into their lives and I’d like to see both them acting more like their happy, carefree selves.  Seeing Lily a bit withdrawn and Arden doubly full of piss and vinegar is not only making their lives more difficult, it’s preventing them from accepting and moving on from all the change in 2010. 

Third, I’d like to have better communication with Mike.  This is mostly up to him.  I’d like to work on talking (not texting or emailing) more regularly so that we are communicating about the girls and what we notice or what is happening - not just the bad stuff or when one of them is sick or needs help with a school project.  I think that the disconnect between us is making things harder on the girls.  We don’t have a lot of continuity or agreement on how we discipline/reward the kids because neither of us knows what the other is doing.  Additionally I’ve been reluctant to share my struggles with him because I don’t want him thinking I suck as a mother more than he may already.  I have to get over this.  I’m hoping he can get over the very difficult task (no sarcasm here, I know how hard it is for him) of being in the same room with me or talking for more than 30 seconds to me.  Seeing him recoil from me or look like he’d rather be having a Brazilian wax is very painful - for both of us - and probably not very productive for the kids.

Fourth, I wrote a novel last November.  It’s disjointed but you know what?  It’s pretty decent.  I’d really like to finish rereading it - and maybe get another 1/3 of the way through editing it.  Instead of wasting my limited free time on Facebook, I could be working on that instead. 

Fifth, I want to make a firm decision on a couple of business questions. I am seriously considering closing one of my websites.  I’ve got some financial/analysis-minded friends looking at it and I will make up my mind before December 31 unless they tell me not to.

Sixth, I want to lose another 10 pounds before December 31.  My weight loss stalled during the training program - I’ve been reassured that this is normal, but I don’t like it.  I will say that my rear end is extremely muscular now and my body shape has definitely changed for the better, but I’d still really enjoy seeing the scale move in a downward direction. 

So what about you?  What’s on your list?  What are you proud of - and what do you want to change or improve? 

When I get back from Virginia Beach, I will write about Arden’s crazy fun 6th birthday party, the moon bounce, the copious amounts of cake consumed and the dog poo that a neighbor’s child stepped in.  But right now - - - I’m too tired.

Being a mom is exhausting.  Running while being a mom is even more exhausting. 

This morning, the training team was supposed to run 7 mile.  Next Saturday we are doing 12 - and the next long distance run after that is the actual half marathon.  Mentally, when I know how far I need to run, I tailor my pace and my thinking to that exact distance.  In other words, I can shorten a distance - but lengthening it?  No. Way. 

Today was team spirit/Halloween costume party/dorky runners look even dorkier by dressing up day.  I chose to get my cheetah on . . .

Running with a tail and ears was interesting.  I would like to blame the costume but it wasn’t the tail’s fault we took a wrong turn in Hollywood Cemetery and ended up adding an additional mile on to the run.  By 6.5 miles, I realized I wasn’t half mile from the end point - and that just messed with me mentally in unpleasant ways.  I was also running on my sore left leg.  Seeing the sports med doc on Friday reassured me that I wasn’t going to further injure it, but it still felt weird to really be pushing my comfort zone on a leg that was soon going to face a bucket of ice water to cut down on swelling. 

At a certain point, I waved on my running friends and tried to keep their backsides in my line of sight.  I managed until the very end, but I’ve never been so happy to be finished with a run.  Next week we run 12, the longest distance we’ll run until 1/2 marathon day in a mere three weeks (gahhhh!!!!)

Another interesting thing I found out about myself:  disparaging running and blogging in the same breath will probably end up with me shooting you a look that will make you wish you were dead.  Don’t like?  Don’t do.  Then be quiet about it.  Shhhhhhh. 

Tomorrow is Virginia Beach’s inaugural Run Like A Girl event raising money for the HERA foundation.  No matter how good I feel tomorrow morning, I AM NOT RUNNING.  I am here to work the booth and help out Theresa and Mark - and that is all.  It’s beautiful here and I’m going to enjoy a day of pimpin’ the message for a good cause.  If you’re in the area, swing by and say hi to me. I’ll be the one hawking t-shirts and Sweaty Bands under a tent.