I’ve been sick all weekend, and down in the dumps.  I decided this morning I was going to do some more job searching and attempt to force myself into a cheerful mood.  It worked until about 10 minutes ago. 

I recently blogged about my very frustrating job search.  I’ve tried to keep my chin up, tried to keep smiling, and focused on my years of experience, my work ethic, and my creative nature.  In my previous blog entry I wrote about how frustrated I was with one particular company, and the hoops they had put me through.  I actually had to do a marketing plan on what I would do *if* I was hired, which was, well, unusual.  I didn’t mind giving them copies of marketing plans I’d written, or audits I’d done - but writing a marketing plan for them, including a tag line and a year-by-year analysis of what should be done made me really uncomfortable.  My fear was that since I was at the upper end of their salary range, they would take my ideas and hire a younger, less expensive person.

I of course have no way of knowing WHO they hired - but it wasn’t me.  I finally got closure on the job a few minutes ago - they hired someone else.  I sent back a short thank you note because the HR person was truly wonderful to work with, letting her know I appreciated her time. I also threw a sentence in there about the marketing plan I’d written.  I said that I hoped my work would be kept confidential and also that the “live” data part of the process was very uncomfortable for me.  She’ll probably be annoyed, but it’s the truth, and I promised myself that whether I did or did not get the job, I was going to tell them. 

Mike is angry.  He feels like the whole process was ridiculous, which, I agree, it was.  I feel his disappointment, and also his support of me.  I am acutely disappointed.  Considering how the company worked, and how long it took them to make a decision, it’s probably not the best place for a decisive, action-oriented person such as myself.  But it’s much better to say no to them than to have them say no to me.  My fragile and bruised ego and self-confidence just took a serious hit.

Looking back, I interviewed well, my marketing plan rocked, and there is nothing I could or would have done differently.  They just chose someone else - who knows the reason. 

This morning there were a few jobs online and in the paper that I applied for.  I just have to keep going.  I had told Mike that if by the end of February I didn’t have a job, I would pull the girls out of preschool and become a stay at home mom. Considering we pay $1800 a month in childcare costs, it almost works out that I could.  Mike is afraid I won’t be happy. I am too, but I’m not sure how much more of this I can take right now. 

I just need a day to feel extremely sorry for myself. 

At lunch today with Jennifer, we had fascinating conversation.  If we had been in a cartoon, giant lightbulbs would have appeared over our heads as we each had our “a-ha” moments.  But since we were at Max and Erma’s, and this was real life, we just both gave each other goofy smiles.  Then we slumped back into depression.

Up until my relationship with Mike, I spent my time trying to convince gay men they were straight, commitmentphobes to commit, and the emotionally unavailable to become, well, available.  My job searching over the past couple of months has followed my relationship history as well.  This recent job I’ve been interviewing for isn’t sure that I’m the right one for it.  It wants a long, drawn out courtship. It wants to skip the wining and dining of me.  In the words of my mother, it doesn’t want to buy the cow - because right now it gets the milk for free.  Why buy the cow when the cow just spits out free advice for you in every interview?  Just keep interviewing me, and eventually the job will just be done - for free! No strings attached.  The job is also unsure of me - it seems to be saying, “Well gee, I like you.  And you’re good in bed.  But there might be something BETTER around the next corner, and I just can’t see myself committing right now.”  Whereas my past associations with men had a lot of descriptors for me like “not artsy enough”, “not marriage material”, “not tattooed” or “not thin enough”, I seem to be repeating that in my job search.  I’m “overqualified”.  I would be “bored”.  The position is “critical” (as if to say, I am not critical enough for it). 

Jennifer, who has applied for two positions, already has an offer for one.  Now her fun of agonizing over the right decision begins.  She’s a bit of a commitmentphobe herself.  She’s always been the sought after one!  Watching her move through the negotiations phase is both inspiring to me and incredibly depressing.  I have to remind myself that right now, both of us have to get jobs, and figure out from there what will happen after that.  If I try to bite off more mentally than I can handle, I end up feeling like an elephant is sitting on my chest (or are those just my boobs?).  She’s quite the negotiator, so I’m hopeful that in her next employment “marriage”, she’ll get close to what she wants.  Nothing’s perfect, but if anyone has a chance of getting it close to perfect, it would be Jennifer. 

My relationship with Jennifer isn’t perfect. I get on her last nerve. She occasionally steps on mine.  We are both stubborn, strong, and opinionated women.  But we’ve been working together a long time. It’s comfy and somewhat dysfunctional, like all relationships are.  And to lose that comfort - well, it scares me.  Facing the reality that I will soon be sitting in this tiny little office listening only to the sound of my keyboard (and not Jennifer shouting, “Oh My GOD!!! LOOK AT THIS PICTURE OF BRITNEY SPEARS!”) makes me a bit, well, uncomfortable.  I’m scared of all this. I don’t want all this.  Someone, hold me. 

In the meantime, my teats are sore from all of the milking.  I am now going into month 3 of job searching and I am getting a bit tired.  I would like to be told yes or no. I do not want to offer any more free advice. I am not interested in any more personality tests or dog and pony shows where I get to show everyone that yes, I too can operate Powerpoint.  I am a marketing professional. I have been doing this since 1994.  And I need at least one portion of my ego to remain intact in order to survive this process. 

I just finally had a chance to go through Lily and Arden’s daily notes, and I found out that one of Lily’s favorite subs, Marijo, passed away over the weekend.  We knew she was ill, but it happened very suddenly. I am in shock.  Lily loved Ms. Marijo, and had gotten very attached to her over the past couple of months. She was one of those very patient, very cheerful people - and I know Lily was lucky to know her for the short period she did.

I’m just shocked.  I saw a week or so ago, in her normal chipper state. She always had a kind word for me and she loved Lily a bunch.  I found out she was unconscious in the hospital last week.  Then today - the note came home that she had passed away.  Thankfully, Lily hasn’t asked - because of the amount of different teachers they have been exposed to in her room, she doesn’t really notice immediately when one goes away.  However, I guarantee she will eventually figure out that Marijo hasn’t been around, and she will ask me where she is. At that point I’ll have to dig deep to figure out what to say. 

So I’m home on a Wednesday afternoon.  Why? Because Lily is sick. I was at lunch with Jennifer when her preschool called to tell me she was running a fever.  We were right in the middle of discussing how we both felt like we couldn’t handle one more thing imploding or going wrong - of course, my phone rang, and we were off to pick up Lily.

It’s comical, really - and I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t get too upset anymore.  I was upset yesterday - mad about my job interview that never happened because of their bad communication with me (they neglected to mention they were already way far along with a candidate, and had extended an offer, even though I specifically asked this question).  Another job I thought might work out for me also got blown out of the water for a variety of reasons.  My daughters have taken turns being sick.  I am estranged from an entire segment of my family.  My husband has had it up to here (insert gesture of hand at forehead) with my work issues, and our debt load.  Merry Christmas!

I keep waiting to blog until I have something nice to say.  Someone sent me a note and told me to keep writing.  Write through it.  Get it out there.  Let it go.  Writing has always helped me in the past, but right now, I just feel like all I do is whine, even when I’m trying to explore how I feel, why I feel this way - and how to get out of this situation.

For the moment, I’m letting go. I’m not going to worry about January and all the things that will or won’t happen in January until the week after Christmas. I am going to try to forget about the portion of my family that I won’t see for Christmas this year.  I am going to focus on my kids (hopefully they will both be healthy by Christmas), and how much fun this is. I don’t want them sensing my distress, and I’d like to spend some quality time with Mike.  I’m sure that things will be okay - they always are - but I am also secretly hoping that I won’t get anything else added to my steaming plate of crap right now. Thank you sir, I’ve had enough.

I know the answer, but I’ll ask the question anyway. Why do things always come to a head right before Christmas with families?  Yes, I know. Expectations.  Feelings of loneliness and isolation.  People who want other people to react a certain way, and are disappointed when they don’t.  The holidays can bring out the best - but they more often than not bring out the worst, especially in family situations that are already fraught with drama, sadness, and anger. 

This year for Christmas, I am getting what I didn’t want.  I am losing a family member.  3, if you are counting - but one doesn’t matter to me, and the other is a child and got dragged along in all the mess.  My dad is always very stoic about things and I know he will just move beyond his sadness. My mom and I are more apt to be cranky and upset about things.  It’s the woman in us, I guess. 

I’ve always been exposed to alcoholism - although growing up, it wasn’t in my immediate family.  Various friends of mine had alcoholic mothers or fathers; some had siblings.  Some committed suicide and left their family devastated with that empty hole that can never be filled. Some grew up and got help for the scars their families had left on them.  I was fortunate to be spared for so long, since alcoholism seems to be so rampant these days.  I’ve had to deal with it in my husband’s family, and I’ve definitely had to deal with the ugly nature of the disease up close and personal over the last few years.  I also learned first-hand that for an alcoholic to just stop drinking, without getting any help for the reasons WHY they drink, makes them a dry drunk.  A sober, angry, bitter, messed up person.

Things came to a head.  The alcoholic in my family has started drinking again, though denial is big and bad in that part of the family.  It’s also very effective.  A number of what I call “drunk dialings” were made to my cell phone, and my parents.  Ugly things were said on voice mails.  I reacted by shooting off an email full of all the anger and pent up rage I’ve held back for years against the alcoholic.  I called it as I saw it.  I basically said, “I will not take your shit anymore.”  The alcoholic was blaming me for hurting her child (by not seeing them or inviting them to holiday gatherings).  It was so ridiculous - so alcoholic-as-victim - that at first I nearly laughed. Then I got so angry I felt my head spin around on my neck.  I can’t go into specifics about all the ways that the alco has hurt her child, but suffice it to say the scars she has left on her child are much deeper and much, much worse than anything I have ever “done” to them.

As I write this, I feel the rage again - overcoming the sadness.  Then I think about what the future holds, and I realize that I have probably lost an entire section of my family for good.  Because we told the alcoholic that until she got serious mental help and rehab for her illness (and believe me, she’s needed that kind of help for years), and that until she got that help she wasn’t welcome to be around us, the three of them are now effectively cut off because the other two members of the family won’t go to family functions without her.  That was their choice, but it still sucks. Especially since a child is involved.  I know some of the lies they have told the child - how we didn’t invite them, or excluded them to be mean, or won’t forgive her mother for some “mistakes” she has made.  All I can hope for is that years in the future I will have a chance to explain why we did what we felt was necessary - that someone like her mother is incredibly toxic and poisonous, and I was not going to subject my own children to her theatrics and drama and sheer madness.  I will not have it in my house. 

That being said, and expressed, I am now faced with the reality of what has happened.  No more Christmases, birthdays, or acknowledgements.  And maybe that’s better, because it all seemed so fake before - like we were ignoring the giant white elephant in the room.  I prefer to be real, and in a way, this is easier.  She hates us, we just wanted her to get better.  I don’t hate her, but I am done with her.  I truly don’t care anymore.  At least we don’t have to sit at the table together and pretend anymore.  But I would be remiss in not admitting that I will miss the other two members of my family. It breaks my heart that they are a few minutes away from me, but we will not and cannot see them.  I know they are so angry at me, at my parents.  I have to just be okay with that anger.  I know they feel victimized by life, and they are burning up with the “unfairness” of it all.  For whatever reason, that sector of my family has never been able to accept their responsibilities in what has made them the way they are. They want to blame everyone else.  They won’t stand up and take control of their lives and live happily, or healthfully.  They made that choice. Thankfully, I don’t have to. I can protect myself, and my family, from that way of living. 

This, combined with what has gone at at work lately, has ruined me for a while.  I am really tired, and really sad.  I keep thinking that something magical might happen and life will reverse itself, but I can’t play the victim either. I have to pick myself up and move on, and try to compartmentalize my sadness so it doesn’t creep into and ruin the other wonderful things that I do still have.  It’s hard right now, but I’m hopeful that as the days pass it will become much easier.