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I rarely ask specifically for feedback, but I have this burning question.  A few weeks back we met with Rodney, another business owner, who happens to be Jennifer’s neighbor. He owns a successful distribution company and he came in to look at our books and offer advice on how we might go about growing our online businesses.  It was quite an eye-opening experience, especially when I realized I probably should NOT have quit the MBA program halfway through.  I am so financially and mathematically challenged, it’s frightening.  Especially considering I run the books. 

One of the things Rodney said was that the sure way to small biz death was to be under-capitalized.  Meaning, if you ain’t got no cash flow, you ain’t got no business either.  I’ve been really thinking about that lately and trying to be creative in my financing ideas.  For example:

- Hitting up the members of my family that believe in us for $2k each.  The only problem is, we haven’t the faintest idea what selling stock in our company means long term, or when we would ever be able to pay dividends back.  Not knowing those two things probably makes that investment a little less than appealing.  “Hey, can I have a couple of grand?  You might see it again when you’re 80 . . . ” 

- Talking to all the mom bloggers and dad bloggers I know out there to see if they are interested in setting up an affiliate program with our sites.  For example, if you have a blog, we’d send you our graphic, you’d put it on your blog, link it to our e-commerce sites, and we’d give you a percentage back of everything that is referred to us from your site.  That doesn’t help our capital issues, but it might speed up traffic to our sites.

- Relationships with our bank.  Rodney asked us if we had a good relationship with our bank.  For those of you who read this on a regular basis, Bank of America has been a lot less than stellar to us.  I’m still suffering from the aftershocks of what they did to my credit report (90 days later, I’m still getting calls about my credit report being flagged).  Rodney told us that as soon as we were able to show the bank a signed contract from a major player, they’d throw money at us.  Well, we have the signed contract.  We just ordered 180 nap mats because of that signed contract.  We told our bank rep about it - apparently they don’t want to throw money at us.  However, they will give us another credit card!  Just what we DON’T need.  We just want our line of credit increased. 

- Continuing to do what we’re doing.  This consists of running three businesses: our consulting biz which consists of high stress work with lawyers and some fun business owners, our apparel website which consists of a lot of “to do” items that don’t get done when they should because we are too busy with business #1, and our nap mats site, which is about to consume a huge amount of time as we enter into the aforementioned contract with a large daycare.  Part of my angst with this is that I feel like I’m doing nothing well, because I am spread thinly over all three.  I speak only for myself because I am not sure how Jennifer is handling all of this. 

So I need some advice.  First, do you think that a small business can grow even when there isn’t a lot of cash flow?  Secondly, what options above do you like - and what options haven’t I thought of?  Anyone out there running successful affiliate programs?  I know a lot of you have your own small businesses.  I feel a bit silly considering we’ve been in business for 4 years now, but this new stage in our business is unlike anything we’ve ever been in.  Additionally, retailing (or e-tailing) is completely different than consulting.  The great thing about consulting is NO OVERHEAD!  Got a computer and brain?  Voila - just add water and you have insta-consultant.  My anxiety level with running around carrying more debt than I’ve ever had in my life is causing a lot of interesting feelings.  What do you think?  Let me know. 

And for all you Richmonders out there - we’ll be at Bizarre Bazaar this year, so come meet us and introduce yourself.

Every time I go through a rough patch in my life, I try to remind myself that usually before things get better, they are usually much worse.  Offsetting the frequent rumblings of tantrums from Arden, Steve’s second admittance to the hospital when his heart rate went cuckoo, the loss of one of our biggest clients (yes, yes, by choice), and lots of other random and icky things was one big preschool we signed as our first real nap mat affiliate program.  That was pretty exciting.  Jennifer is working on doing some preemie gear for March of Dimes; if that happens we’ll have a whopping two corporate clients.  Two is enough for us right now. 

I also forced my mom to cook dinner for my family last night; she’s a little burned out on the cooking front, but I asked nicely and she ended up marinating a delicious flank steak.  The girls didn’t care for it much but they did enjoy her twice baked potatoes very much.  After they destroyed her bathroom with their bathtub crayons and their love of splashing.  She was good-natured about their mess. 

Lily had a complete meltdown at school today when I picked her up.  It’s a little embarassing for me; that majority of her meltdowns (and they aren’t very frequent anymore) happen inevitably within the first five minutes after I arrive.  Today she saw that one of Arden’s friends had given her a chocolate candy, and she immediately started throwing a hissy fit which ended with her yelling, “I don’t LOVE my SISTER ANYMORE AND YOU ARE NOT MY BEST MAMA!!!”  This, because I tried to explain that Arden sometimes gets things Lily doesn’t, just like Lily goes to birthday parties and gets things from her friends that Arden doesn’t.  Wow.  I know that the substitute teacher in Lily’s class was trying to be helpful, but telling working moms that your child is “acting out because she misses you” doesn’t really help.  Especially when she says things like, “She’s such a perfect child for us - she must just miss you a lot” and “No, we never have issues with Lily yelling or crying.”  I did finally say, “Do other kids do this, or is it just mine?”  She looked shocked and said, “Oh yes, they ALL do it.”  Oh.  Okay.  For the past few months I was just assuming that Lily was lashing out at me because I’m a bad mom, not because it’s usual as part of the transition routine from teacher to parent.  Fabulous.

Sara came over on Saturday - she said she missed the girls.  She also insanely commented that being around them “relaxed her”.  Hmmmm.  We took them to the park and exchanged advice about work and life.  We even made Sara hang out while we fed the girls.  They were more annoyed that she had the audacity to leave and go back to her husband. . . they assume that anyone visiting our house must spend the night and entertain them. 

Steve is out of the hospital and home.  They were able to shock his heart and get his heartrate back in the 80s (instead of 160s - as in 160 beats per minute).  He is not sure when, or if, he’ll be able to work again.  I’m not sure when I’ll see him as I’m probably not Vicki’s favorite person these days, and even when I was, none of us were exactly welcomed into their house (apparently it’s a “mess” or a “hovel” or a “disaster” all of the time).  That situation is one that I can’t do anything about, and I’m really burned out trying to figure out a way around it Everyone has some part of their family that is dysfunctional - it’s just that it’s rare to hear anyone talking about it.  When I think about my close friends, they all have their stories.  I remember having dinner on Sara’s 30th birthday and one of the women who came along just blurted out that her mom, and entire family really, were pyschos and alcoholics, and how insane visiting them was.  Later I think she regretted saying it, but I really appreciated her honesty and her ability to laugh instead of cry about her family’s situation. 

On another topic entirely, I am watching the news and someone in North Carolina just came out with a caffeinated donut!  That’s so awesome!  Donuts are definitely my guilty pleasure, so I don’t indulge very often, but killing two birds with one stone is a fantastic idea.  I can eat a greasy, fried piece of dough and get my caffeine injection simultaneously.  I love America!

Yes folks, it’s true.  The normally perky and intrepid Cristina is flat out crabby these days.  Yesterday Jennifer and I ventured out to our first trade show. The demographic we were going for (women our age, with kids, who love cute clothes enough to pay for them), were, uh, not in attendance.  Clue #1:  the event was in Hopewell.  Mike told me it was nicknamed Hopesmell.  He wasn’t kidding. I don’t know what they make there, but ewww, it sure does stink. Clue #2:  the trade show part of the event was held in the Hopewell High School gym.  Fact #1:  We saw more Crystal Gayle look-alikes in 2 hours than I’ve ever seen in my life.  Fact #2:  I know everyone here makes fun of West Virginia, but there are A LOT of people in Hopewell that are missing plenty of teeth.  Fact #3:  I’m going to be firebombed and hatemailed by people from Hopewell. 

But hey, I have to call it like I see it. Hopewellians are a frugal, pragmatic bunch - they shop for onesies and toddler apparel at Wal*Mart, or when really breaking out, Kohl’s.  We wre just really not in the right market.  We sold $0.  Literally.  Jennifer says that’s okay because we got a chance to put our booth together and see how it looks, as well as figuring out what we still need.  We are considering doing Bizarre Bazaar at the end of March.  Apparently Jennifer’s family isn’t considering it - they’ve already booked their tickets!  We are hopeful now that the fine folks at BB will allow us to give them $500 to display our wares. 

In the meantime, Steve finally went back to the doctor.  His heart rate is crazed and he was literally vibrating.  He has been re-admitted to the hospital and is going to have his heart “shocked” tomorrow to see if they can reset the rhythm.  My normally overactive desire to research literally anything on the internet has gone away.  I don’t want to know what the options are if this doesn’t work.  I can’t deal with it - at least not tonight.  I haven’t talked to my brother since he got home from the hospital and he hasn’t felt very well and talking isn’t a lot of fun when you feel like your chest is on fire or your heart is going to bust out of your ribs and do a frenetic irish jig on the coffee table.  I wish more than anything that I could remove all of the stress and worry from his life, or protect him, or fix him, but I can do none of those things. 

Yes, I’m crabby.  This too shall pass.  In the meantime Arden is enjoying her brand new nap mat (she is obsessed with it and kept screaming and pointing at the closet at daycare, saying “NIGHT NIGHT!  ME WANT NIGHT NIGHT!”).  Lily is obsessed with Robots, the movie, and wants me to buy her a pair of robot boots (blue metal).  She also got in trouble today for saying “Poop” and “Pee” during lunch.  This incited everyone at her table to scream it along with her. 

Mike took the girls to Pinehurst the weekend to visit his dad and check out his dad’s new digs.  The girls had a great time, evidenced by the fact that they didn’t miss me in the slightest.  Lily was very excited that she got to sleep in a twin bed next to Daddy (or mini-twin, as we prefer to call the beds in his dad’s house) and Arden was just excited.  They brought me back a bunch of Pinehurst Steroid Pine Cones for my collection, too.  Lily said, “Mommy, we hunted pine cones!”  Their hunt was very successful. 

Mike was apparently quite gaseous on the ride back to Richmond.  The scene:  Arden asleep in her car seat.  Lily, watching Robots for what may be the 20th time.  Mike, driving along, playing the musical fruits. 

Lily: “Daddy, it smells like a poop in here!”

Mike:  “Yes, I smell it too!  I think it’s Arden.”

Lily:  “Ewww.  Arden smells poopy!!!” 

Nice.  Arden, while sleeping, is already being blamed for other people’s vapors. 

I added a couple of pictures from yesterday morning to my Lily and Arden Flickr set.  The one of Lily is humorous as you can see she is angry at me for daring to take a picture of Arden wearing “her” (meaning Lily’s) old Flyers uniform.  Additionally there is a video of Lily and Arden doing their weird dances. 

Ahhhh.  A nice romantic Valentine’s Day. A crazy day at work where we practiced our “Just say no skills” (more on that later), a rushed drive on Virginia roads to get to preschool to pick up the girls, and my parents, for dinner; the aforementioned dinner complete with meltdowns and bad behavior from BOTH children; the mother, with no patience to spare for anyone or anything, and the father, who says things like “WHY do we do this again?  Is THIS supposed to be FUN???”  Nothing says good lovin’ like a night out with two wild children, your parents, bad chain restaurant food and a ton of family drama on top of it all. 

I did get a fabulous email from Mike with his top 10 list of reasons he loves me.  Most of them were true, at least. 

Speaking of Virginia roads, I have to risk the wrath of Virginians by pointing out that many of them just do not know how to drive.  Or at least, when I learned to drive, I was taught that the left lane was for passing.  In Virginia, the left lane is merely another lane, where people chat on their cell phone, go under the speed limit, or just weave in and out of the lane without using turn indicators. 

Forgive me, I’m a little cranky.

This week has not been stellar.  I was on a high a couple of days ago as Jennifer and I practiced saying no to the client I mentioned earlier, and then actually delivered the news to that client that we would no longer be working with them. Trouble is, they didn’t listen.  One of the things that disarms me the most is begging, or those people who just pretend they didn’t hear you and keep right on asking.  We are now going on Round 4 of saying no.  It will come in the form of an email, and I’m sure there will be some upset email back in Round 5 telling us how stupid and short sighted we are.  One thing I’ve learned (out of maybe 2 or 3 things total) is that going with my gut is the only way to go.  Every time I ignore my gut, I regret it mightily.  So, ding!  Round 5 begins. 

I can’t get into details about the other stuff that has happened because my parents asked me not to and so did my husband.  The fact that he’s a lawyer means that sometimes I have to keep my mouth shut about things, even though I like to pretend that I can lay it all on the line in my blog.  I really can’t.  I can say that a major family skeleton is not only out of the closet - that skeleton is marching around Richmond proper announcing itself to anyone who will listen.  It’s very traumatic for all of us right now and I don’t know how to deal with it.  I’m a strange and sickening combination of extremely angry, extremely upset, and extremely confused.  The situation has also given me a sort of F-You attitude towards everything, I think primarily because I have no room left in my brain to process other issues or problems.  I told Jennifer today that normally when I am stressed like this, I get very withdrawn and cold and bitchy.  Not so during Family Drama Extravaganza 2007!  I’m so beyond “stress” that I’m actually slap-happy. 

So, I’ve been silent.  As I’ve said before, I don’t really care for blogging when I can’t be open about what’s happening.  That’s pretty much how I am in life as well. It doesn’t help that I’ve had raging PMS and have been eating like a pig for a week either.  If someone tells me that I can’t “stuff” my emotions with food, I’m going to hit them with a chocolate croissant.  I get blog-stipation when I can’t be honest here - I get all crampy and angry and feel like I’m going to explode.  That’s why silence for me is deadly.  Apparently I just need the equivalent of a literary Ex-Lax.

A picture is worth a thousand words.  Or three.

I was purposeful this morning and decided to start my Thursday with a fresh attitude.  On the way in, I made a mental to-do list and tried to focus on what I could accomplish today.

I do believe in the power of positive thinking, and that having the right mindset really makes a difference.  I refused to wallow in self-pity or fear regarding the work situation, so I hit the front door of Suite C this morning full of confidence and focus. 

My attitude lasted for about 13 minutes, until we got a call from a long-standing client.  We’ve done a lot of work for them, but not the kind of work we normally do, and we have been strongly suggesting for a year now that they undertake the next phase.  They are finally ready to do it - with another marketing consultant.  All the groundwork, analysis, and preaching we’ve been doing has paid off - for someone else.  To add some salt to the wound, the “someone else” is a person that Jennifer would consider a professional friend.  I did a lot of things, like putting myself in Someone Else’s shoes to see how I would have handled an awkward situation.  I put myself in the Client’s shoes, and found that I am still standing in my own.  After having a meltdown in the parking lot (I wanted to avoid further humiliation in front of my Suite C mates), I got it together enough to go back inside where Jennifer was still staring into space, processing the information. 

Jennifer made some great points, and aside from making us feel better, they are true.  Professional service firms have a progression they go through when their culture is changing. If they have in-house marketing directors, many times the directors will leave, and the next one will get a big raise and the firm will start taking their advice, even after listening to the same advice for 5 years or more.  Hearing it from a fresh perspective is a good thing for the firm; it’s not necessarily so hot for the person or people who sweated blood trying to roll a very large boulder up a very steep hill. 

I also reminded myself of how I felt when I was “laid off” (read: fired) from my job in 2000, a mere 4 weeks before my wedding, and 2 weeks after closing on our first house.  I was angry, bitter, sad, scared - and today, I’m a little bit of all of them.  But age and experience does make a difference.  I know from that experience that whenever something like this happens, a much better day is just around the corner.  Being fired from that job was the best thing that ever happened to me.  Later in 2002 when I couldn’t get my firm to allow me to work flexible hours or part-time, after years of proving myself, I banged my head against the wall of frustration.  Their refusal to allow me to work around my schedule gave birth to the company I sit in today. 

It’s nearly three years later and I am about to embark on a totally new path and direction.  I guess I’m more like my dad than I admit.  I get bored when things go too well.  I want something new, something challenging. Man, did I ever get what I asked for this time. 

so I have to make this quick.  I have very few television indulgences, but Lost is definitely one.  I’m hoping they don’t lose me because the first portion of this season was not promising, and it stopped before it really got going, just to go on hiatus for 3 freakin’ months.  In this case, absence DID NOT make the heart grow fonder.  Mike and I have been watching from the very beginning, and he’s just as excited as I am.  We’re hooked on the characters (Mike is especially hooked on Evangeline Lilly).  I’ve always had a crush on Matthew Fox since he was hot and emo-like Charlie on Party of Five (or “pof” as Mike called it).  He was Emo before Emo was even Emo. 

I digress.  I haven’t been blogging for a variety of reasons.  Partly I don’t like to write when I feel I can’t be completely honest, and let’s be frank.  There are plenty of areas in my life right now where I can SO not be totally honest.  The other part of me asks, “So what’s the point of being honest?  What is anyone out there going to tell me, and what possible catharsis can come from it anyway?”  The world at large knows the basics of my struggles.  I have a few people in my life who were raised in alcoholic families.  Those same people have given me excellent and no bullshit advice about dealing with an alcoholic family member. Writing about the stress and angst our favorite family drunk brings us has really lost its luster for me.  It’s not enjoyable. 

Today Jennifer and I met with a friend of hers that owns a distribution company.  We took our clothes off for him.  Metaphorically speaking, that is.  We showed him our Quickbooks since the beginning of time and said, “Help, we don’t know how to do this.”  We were trying to figure out how to pay ourselves on the new businesses.  The good news is, we probably have a viable business in start up mode. The bad news is, we probably won’t get paid for another 9-10 months.  That was a lot of truth and reality to swallow today. 

In the midst of all that, Jennifer made huge inroads with March of Dimes and I made a small inroad into preschool.  Every time something “bad” happens, there is usually something “good” to offset it.  Right now focusing on the good is an important and necessary thing. 

I’m not sure what I thought my life would be like at 35.  I have two awesome kids, and at the end of the day, when they both wrap their arms around me and tell me crazy things, or dance naked before their bath (which is hilarious I might add), all the crap and worries sort of drip off me.  When I am able to let go of my stress and just act like a kid it all goes away.  I’ve got an incredibly strong marriage - the fact that it isn’t perfect is what makes it so strong.  When things are close to perfect, I tend to drive myself crazy trying to make them better.  With Mike, I just let it be.  I’m lucky to have him, especially at times in our lives where my stubborn personality causes a financial drain on us.  He (mostly) is cheerful and positive.  He’s a great dad.  So even though my college eyes did not foresee where I would be right now, I think I’m way better off than I ever expected.  I didn’t marry any of those crazy artists or a-holes, so it’s all good.  My girls both push every button I own, and frequently, but they amaze me on a regular basis.  Arden with her expressive face, her bizarre sense of humor, her exceptionally feisty personality.  Lily with her loving spirit, her talent and obsession with anything art-related, and her love of music.  They’re both such an odd mixture of Mike and I with a healthy dose of their own genes. 

When I get really honest with myself, I realize that perhaps I should stop waiting for this period of my life to be over.  Maybe I will be busy like this for the rest of my life, but probably not.  I’ve neglected my friends and myself, and sometimes my own children, and definitely my husband.  Perhaps it’s just time to put the brakes on as much as I possibly can and take a step back.  Take some deep breaths.  Meditate. Sleep.  Get a massage.  Life, when I stop long enough to assess it, is really pretty good. 

Fonda is a friend I met through work.  She’s still fighting the good fight as an in-house marketing director.  I gave up trying to radically alter accountant’s marketing perceptions in 2002.  She’s a fascinating person to talk to anyway, and her struggles to both get pregnant and later, to adopt a child from China have been really inspiring. 

I’m not sure of exactly how long this has all been going on but let’s just say that it’s been a LONG time.  Sometimes when I hear the stories of people in my own family, like Ana and Dan, or Steve and Kim, I feel so guilty that I was able to just “get pregnant”.  I was so focused on the sheer unpleasant nature of my actual 9 month visit to hell that I completely forgot, or glossed over, how fortune I was to be able to look sideways at Mike and suddenly find myself in the family way. 

So Fonda and her husband Drew decided to adopt a baby girl from China, and for the last few years, they have been waiting.  And waiting.  And waiting some more.  I even started a little pile of toys the girls have outgrown for Fonda because it made me feel like I was doing something positive.  Yesterday, I got an email from Fonda with a subject line that immediately gave it away. They had received pictures of their little girl, and now it was just a matter of weeks before they can get on a plane to China and pick her up. 

She wrote, “Here she is!!!  She is crawling, walking when held by one hand, knows her name, and is very active!  She was born on 12/11/05 and lives in Guangdong province of China—this is the warm climate - Yeah! Her Chinese name is Lei Jin Ya.  More to follow when we have it!”

One of the things I always admired about Fonda was how calm and sane she seemed through the process.  I remember asking her, “WHY do they MAKE YOU WAIT SO LONG?  WHY don’t they CALL YOU THE SECOND the baby is born so you can GET ON A PLANE AND GET OUT THERE!”  She explained that the Chinese government tries first to adopt the girls out to Chinese families.  If that fails, they move on to the rest of the world.  She was so patient, both in explaining to me how all this works, and in her philosophy about her own child.  I suppose it’s a good thing I wasn’t in their shoes - I would have been pinging off the walls for 3 years straight and spazzing out every 10 minutes about the whys, the hows, and most importantly, the WHEN.  There have been a number of times when Fonda said they were up next for a child, and then were put off for 2-3 months.  The agony of waiting would have surely done me in.  I guess Fonda and Drew knew that it WAS going to happen, and it was out of their control, which enabled Fonda to smile at me and calmly explain the rationale behind the Chinese adoption process. 

So I thought I’d congratule Fonda and Drew publicly and post a picture of their beautiful little girl.  And I’m making a Top 10 List of Great Things about Becoming a Parent to a 1 Year Old:

10.  You’re halfway there to potty training!  14 months less of diaper expenditures.
9.  You skip the “I’m awake, Mommy and Daddy” every 2 hours phase. 
8.  You don’t spend nearly 10 months waddling, vomiting, sweating, and grunting.
7.  No formula or breastfeeding!  You get right to the good stuff: people food.
6.  She comes with teeth already in.  Less teething, less drool.
5.  You get Baby Showers thrown for you and EVERYONE knows the size and sex of the child!
4.  You are visiting a beautiful foreign country, whereas the most foreign place most parents of a 1 year old visit is the neighborhood tot lot.
3.  Your child comes with a built- in support system of friends and parents (Familes of the China Moon).
2.  All that waiting enabled you to read every child book on the face of the planet
and
1.  Soon you’ll be hearing that little voice tell you how much she loves you. 

The other thing I realized is that every mom and dad becomes a parent in the span of less than 1 second.  One moment the baby is inside; the next moment, they are not.  There is no “ramp up” period to parenting.  In some ways, Fonda and Drew are much more highly qualified for the job than the majority of us.  They earned their child in years of waiting and hoping and working for it.  Mike and I just looked at each other one night over a drink and said, “Why the hell not?” 

**Update**: Those of you wishing to follow the journey to China can read about it here.